The adjustment from being coddled in your Naperville home to living on your own at UIUC can be a trying one for many freshmen. Residential Advisors (RAs), luckily, are available to help in that transition. However, many of the “mandatory” programs they offer to their residents aren’t really useful and are, unsurprisingly, lame. We thought of some programs they can offer that would actually help freshmen at U of I.
7.) “Who Do YOU Know Here?: Names of Guys in Frats You Can Name Drop at The Door at Frat Parties”:
This program would be incredibly useful for all the freshmen on campus that are looking to get into frat parties – and not get kicked out within five minutes because the frat guys are worried about you ruining their sacred ratio. You’ll learn that “Doug,” “Chase,” and “Johnny” are always the go-to names to drop at these parties.
6.) “Stereotype Fashion Show: Geed vs. Greek”:
This fashion show program exists because it’s a necessity that these new college students get laid, and you won’t be taking a girl home in an Aeropostale shirt and Puma shoes. It’s crucial that freshmen realize that cargo shorts have tons of pockets, little dignity and will be a huge turnoff to that cute girl sitting next to you in PSYCH 100. On the other hand, pink shorts, a shirt with a whale on the back and boat shoes will allow you to get with anyone because personality never mattered to anybody.
5.) “So… Where Exactly is KAM’s?”:
While freshmen will venture into the wild during Syllabus Week, the truly vital information comes in the form of learning where everyone’s favorite smelly bar, KAM’s, is located. This program typically will cover where other campus hotspots (Lion, Cly’s, etc.) are as well. We must note it may be tough to have the ability to afford a lifestyle of paying $10 cover all the time.
4.) “What to Do if You Get the Mumps?”:
The mumps, a seemingly forgotten about epidemic on campus amid a new football coach and chancellor, can still have devastating consequences on a student’s life if they contract the devil’s disease. This program provides students with copies of The Odyssey, a natural vaccine for the mumps.
3.) “Who Can Walk on the Bike Paths AND Who Can’t?”:
Every new U of I student needs to learn at some point the difference between the bike paths and the walking paths, which is where this program comes in. The interactive session would walk freshmen through the Quad, sending several freshmen into bike lanes to walk as guinea pigs to show what happens when you get in the way of a biker.
2.) “It’s Not Easy Being Drunk…or Is It?”:
Instead of making alcohol seem as atrocious as a sober burrito from Burrito King like they did in high school when you’d wear the drunk goggles to see how alcohol impairs your decision-making and mobility, this program shows freshmen how much fun liquor can be by feeding Burrito King burritos to drunk students around campus.
1.) “Wanted: A Few Normal Engineers”:
A speed-dating event for Illinois freshmen provides gentlemen and ladies with the opportunity to meet a somewhat decent-looking engineer with a slightly above sub-par personality, preferably one who’s idea of going out on a Friday night isn’t studying at the UGL instead of Grainger.
We hope these suggested programs make their way to whoever is in charge of the goobers who for some reason were given the horrible responsibility of babysitting freshmen.