With one of the finest gyms on any college campus in the country, it’s a shame that not enough Illini make the trip to a heaven for those that love soy protein: the ARC’s basement. You’ll find jacked frat guys, jacked geeds, a few townies, and even that thin, scrawny kid trying to get into some squats. Take notes because these are the top 7 ways to embarrass yourself in the ARC basement.
7.) Wear a Non-Illinois T-Shirt:
There’s nothing more embarrassing in life than feeling out of place, and there’s no way to feel more out of place in the ARC’s weight room than wearing a shirt of a rival Big Ten school. If you’re looking to maximize embarrassment, choose a school like Purdue, who is trash in every sport that matters (read: football).
6.) Drink Iced Tea:
All of those other gym-goers can be spotted drinking Powerade, Gatorade, Kool-Aid, or even water. Get everyone teasing you in the basement by drinking some cold iced tea, which should be paired with whatever that Urbana hipster on the elliptical ate for lunch.
5.) Use Light Weights:
There’s absolutely no embarrassment in getting yourself out to the gym to improve your health and self-image. However, there’s plenty of embarrassment to be had by doing the lowest number of pounds on every single machine you go on. While the guy who won a high school football state championship in 2014 benches 400 pounds, you keep doing calf presses, sweetheart.
4.) Have Extended “Between Sets” Rest:
Looking to pick a fight in the ARC basement? Don’t. But you’ll get yourself there a lot faster by having embarrassingly long “between sets” rest on different machines. Some of these fellow bodybuilders have to get to Monday Night Lion ASAP after this workout, and you can’t be wasting their time without all of this rest.
3.) Wear Gloves on the Machines:
Nobody is a hand model at UIUC, so there’s no reason that any gym goer should be a “Glove Guy.” Nobody wants to talk to the guy wearing safety work gloves while doing dumb bells. Just don’t wear gloves, princess. If you need to wear gloves to do a certain weight, there’s no rush in starting lighter and not embarrassing yourself.
2.) Wear a Towel Around Your Neck:
Unless you’re working your rear end off in the ARC, nobody is fiercely sweating. There’s no better way to embarrass yourself at the gym than to wear a towel around your neck when you clearly aren’t sweating at all.
1.) Don’t Even Go To the ARC Basement:
The best way to embarrass yourself in the ARC’s basement is to not even make your way down there because you got too tired just trying to go down the stairs. The humiliation and mental scarring will be so much worse than that time you matched with last week’s hookup on Bumble by accident.
Don’t get discouraged if you can’t make it downstairs to the ARC’s basement for a lifting session. Getting yourself to the gym is a tough task in college! Just don’t be that guy reading a book while on the stationary bike. That guy is truly embarrassing himself.
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