This week, thousands of UIUC students will pack up their dusty dorms and return to their little bubble in the Chicago suburbs. Freshmen will say their final goodbyes to their “brothers” and “sisters” and “friends” and “acquaintances” after transitioning from 18-year-olds that didn’t know how to work the bus system to a 19-year-old ready to sexile their parents all summer long. But looking back on the year at hand, here are the top things freshman learned not to do at UIUC this year.
8.) Don’t Request Gangnam Style to the DJ at Red Lion:
Every freshman requested it at least once and then started to get ratchet on the dance floor to Psy’s one-hit wonder as everyone else was grinding and drinking strange concoctions. Next year, freshmen will see how the crowd responds to “Cotton Eyed-Joe” at Lion.
7.) Don’t Go to McKinley:
Unless you want to be having the mumps or an uncomfortable STD check, you probably shouldn’t go to McKinley. At-home treatments like medicinal marijuana from the new Champaign dispensaries will probably make you feel much better and much less judged than you would at McKillme.
6.) Don’t Step in Vomit:
On the first night of college, most freshmen were taking a shower because personal hygiene is important and, being the dumb first-day-of-college freshman they are, they step in vomit. Let’s just say Wal-Mart sells a lot of new shower shoes on the second day of college…
5.) Don’t Pet the Squirrels:
All freshmen are sitting on the Quad at some point during their freshman year and then they sit next to a squirrel and pet it. It’s like when they touch the butt in Finding Nemo, but a lot less rebellious and a lot more rabies. Squirrels are also going to be the future mascot for the U of I, so show some respect to the furry creatures and save your petting for a pussy.
4.) Don’t Eat with Other People in the Ike:
It’s so much cooler to eat by yourself anyway, plus there are a lot of great options for spots to eat alone. Many freshmen also learn that you don’t want anyone judging you when you’re going for your seventh plate of fried chicken and mac ‘n cheese on a Tuesday, so you’re better off eating alone.
3.) Don’t Get Excited About a Football Coach:
Tim Beckman was the football coach when we came to college. We were excited to see our boi Timmy B at action on the sidelines on Saturday. Then there was new pledge master Bill Cubit and his grey hair. And now there is everyone’s least-favorite-turned-favorite coach, Lovie Smith. Moral of the story: don’t get excited about UIUC football coaches.
2.) Don’t Talk to the Random Guy Claiming He’s With The Black Sheep on Green Street:
He’s going to ask you disturbing questions and then post them on the Internet for your parents to see.
1.) Don’t Forget There’s 3 More Years at UIUC:
Lost in all the fun and madness of your freshman year, you may sometimes forget that there’s more to college than just those nine months. In that case, UIUC freshmen learned not to forget that they’ll be in Chambana for many more months after that first year.
So have a safe trip back to your suburban bubble in Naperville or your farm in central Illinois. And don’t forget, there’s a new crop of idiot freshmen coming in just three months!