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Top House Bro Reclaims Virginity After Logging 1,000 Hours in Fortnite

In his own words, Wade Crowder was “destined to be a frat star.” With four years of varsity high school football under his belt, a heavy nicotine fixation, and a budding drinking problem, Crowder had all the makings of a heavy-hitting frat star. This spring, Crowder accepted his bid from Sigma Chi, and made his dreams a reality:

“It was unreal. Gorgeous girls everywhere I looked, and all the liquor I could stomach. If anyone ever came at me, I could have three of my jacked pledge bros kicking their teeth in on a moment’s notice.”

Unfortunately, things took a turn, and Crowder is in the middle of a downward spiral. While drugs and alcohol drag down many a frat boy, Crowder blames the wildly popular third-person shooter game, Fortnite.

“I can’t escape it. It’s all I think about. Even on the rare chance I go to lecture, I just spend the whole time scrolling through all the Fortnite trick shots videos that clog my Instagram feed. I don’t even bang Tri Delts like I definitely used to do.”

Coinciding with his new gamer personality, sources say Crowder has officially taken back his virginity, and proclaims himself a “born-again virgin.”

“Wade hasn’t been the same since he started playing that game. I think it’s fucking with his head,” says Mike Peyton, fellow bro who introduced Crowder to Fortnite. “Like, I haven’t seen him shower all semester, and he’s getting all fat and greasy. He forgot how to act around people. He spends all day cloistered in his room, screaming about how women only cloud his head these days. He screams about preserving his ‘newfound virginity’ and ‘staying sharp for the game.’”

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