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Tragic: Illini Frat Brings Baby Powder Instead of Coke; Formal Ruined

In a tragic turn of events, fraternity members of Omega Upsilon Kappa mistakenly brought baby powder instead of cocaine to their fraternity formal last weekend in St. Louis, effectively ruining the “good time” planned by their organization.

 

“It was horrific,” said Louis Graive, a senior member of Omega Upsilon Kappa. “I had plans to rail lines of blow off my girlfriend’s rack and my roommate’s date’s ass like it’s the Wolf of Wall Street, but I guess that won’t be happening now.”

 

The fraternity had an extensive and detailed plan laid out for the weekend, which included multiple trips to local bars downtown, drinking in their hotel rooms and doing coke off the backs of the Budweiser Clydesdales.

 

“Brewery tours are fun, but doing lines of coke is better,” said Steven Manischewitz, a junior member of Omega Upsilon Kappa. “If I can’t get crossed, I can’t deal with my whiny girlfriend. This weekend was supposed to be great, but it turned out terribly.”

 

 

After this shocking discovery was made, members said their plans had to be revised to include sober activities, like walking tours of the old St. Louis courthouse, trips up the famous Arch and a “wine and paint” session.

 

“While this weekend was great from a liability perspective, it was horrible for morale,” said Joseph Richards, Omega Upsilon Kappa president. “We’re definitely going to have to keep this under wraps during recruitment next fall.”

 

After this weekend’s tragic turn of events, several alumni have donated money to fund a “Engagement Director” position for the fraternity that would be in charge of “preparing, purchasing, and distributing favors during fraternity events” to ensure nothing like this happens again.

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