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Tragic: Student Fails To Escape From Murderer While Waiting For Green And Wright Crosswalk To Change

At 4:32 this morning the body of UIUC student, Jonathan Knight, was discovered on the southeast corner of the Green and Wright crosswalk, hand still outstretched towards the pedestrian call button.

“There was definitely a chase involved,” explained officer Paul Slough of the Urbana Police Department. “But unfortunately, as footage from a nearby security camera has confirmed, the student was unable to cross the street due to the crosswalk not changing in time.”

Footage shows Knight pressing the button as soon as he reached the intersection and then proceeding to prance around in a panic while hitting the button several additional times before being brutally eviscerated by a masked assailant, who remains at large, but is definitely a townie.

“Glad to hear they’re following safe practices, but if there are no cars around, you really don’t have to wait for the light to change. People know that, right? Right?” bemused Leslie Velissa, Department Director of Champaign Public Works.

This horrifically tragic, but otherwise completely unavoidable incident raises questions about the effectiveness of such pedestrian control measures.

“The footage truly is painful to look at,” choked out Officer Slough, on the brink of tears. “You can just see the panic in the kid’s eyes, especially when the assailant stopped for a moment a few feet away, genuinely taken aback by the students’ complete lack of ability to logically reason for himself.”

The investigation has been put on hold while all hands are on deck to find a solution to the crosswalk problem plaguing the campus community.

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