As college careers come to a close for many Illini, many still find themselves ducking questions of their employment upon graduation. They may just now be realizing their photography major was a mistake, or they’ve been putting off applying altogether to delay the inevitable crushing anxiety associated with adulthood. All of us at some point will look back and ask “what exactly did I gain from this $100,000 piece of paper? I could’ve bought so many drugs with that money!” In my case, I look at all the drugs I sold (specifically Adderall), and the transferrable job skills I learned from selling off my Adderall prescription.
The most paramount contribution it had to my professional growth was the ability to sell. Although my Adderall prescription practically sold itself, the fact that what I was doing was what some may refer to as a “felony,” I had to get creative with it. I learned to maximize my returns in the shortest amount of time possible by taking advantage of the elements. Camping outside the library next to Grainger Bob during the week of ECE391 midterms did wonders. Sometimes I’d have to cut deals like five for the price of four, or half off someone’s order if they’d go to my frat’s date event at Cly’s – the latter generally proved futile.
By the time I could convince my doctor to up my ‘script, I’d already developed a team to help push the product. Granted, most of my team were pledges, but that speaks more to my ability to lead. I mean, these are the kids who’ll chug gallons of expired milk to join a frat with a social calendar more barren than Brothers on a Tuesday.
I’ve become an expert in tactical accounting for the physical and digital cash flow of my business. I created numerous spreadsheets to track how much I made through assorted payment options. By and large, the money was coming in through Venmo, forcing me to be diligent in ensuring that my customers weren’t attaching recurring emojis in their payments. You’d be surprised how many dumbasses sent me the pill and “100” emojis over the course of my business operation and how many of those same people consistently made the Dean’s List.
When it comes to working for major corporations, specifically in the financial sector, the greatest asset I have is a willingness to undermine U.S. law, effectively and with no remorse. Sure, places like Wells Fargo put out ad campaigns about financial wellbeing and security, but when given the opportunity to navigate around regulation and swindle millions of their hard-earned cash, you can bet they’ll do it.
It’s a dog-eat-dog world in corporate America, and there’s no way in hell I’d let the hounds at the IRS even come close to sniffing the butthole of my company – evidently, selling Adderall did little to enhance my written communication abilities.
It doesn’t matter which opportunities have been available to you, but rather what you make of them. To all the drug dealers, cheaters, prostitutes, and thieves out there — don’t let societal norms limit your potential. The reality is that, if anything, your engagement in illicit business gives you a better chance than anyone else of becoming a CEO… hell, maybe even President of the United States.