Well, you’re a senior now. After three years of majoring in frat boys and communications, you realized that maybe it wasn’t the best idea to stop attending classes. Sadly, you cannot rewrite the past, or any of your essays. Thankfully, there’s a Plan B – which ironically isn’t the contraceptive Plan B™ at all. Here are ten ways to trick a future millionaire and current UIUC engineering student into impregnating you while you’re still hot:
10.) Wait Outside Their Building, Dressed to Impress:
You’ve already decided college is a no-go. Instead of attending your elementary education classes, get dressed like you’re going to Lion and wait on the steps of their apartment between classes. Break the ice by making fun of civil engineering. They won’t be bringing in the big bucks anyway.
9.) Pretend You’re a Recruiter From a Big Tech Company:
His heart still hurts from when Google told him to “apply online” at the Engineering Career Fair. Put on a blazer, throw your hair in a bun, and learn a few big words. Let him know you’re willing to exchange a favor for some raw action.
8.) Cut The Condom in the Shape of a Fractal:
He’ll be so impressed with your knowledge he won’t even realize the gaping holes in the rubber. You know the way to an engineer’s heart, and his penis.
7.) Be The Shoulder He Can Sob on After Bombing a Test:
Look out for those with damp eyes exiting CBTF. There, there little engineer! His exhaustion from staying up the past week will cloud his mind, and you’ll stand out in his brain fog as the angelic, conniving beauty he so desperately needs.
6.) Give Him Three Mike’s Hards:
It’s possible he’ll see right through your gold-digging scheme. If this happens, simply loosen his morals by getting him trashed. Giving him a shot of that Burnett’s stashed under your sink will give his pure little body liver failure. Instead, pick up a six pack of mango Mike’s Hards. Give him half and use the other three to chase some real shit of your own. Then, go in for the kill.
5.) Tell Him The Robots Are Taking Over:
He’s a computer engineer, so he knew this was coming. Lure him into your apartment and create a fake “breaking news” story on Google Docs. This is best done after he’s had the three Mike’s Hards.
4.) Tell Him You’re on “That Chemical Compound Shit”:
Simply uttering “I’m on the pill” won’t get the job done. Phrase it in a way his self-proclaimed “superior” mind will understand. No need to wrap it.
3.) Pretend You’re Also an Engineer:
Acting like you have your shit together removes any suspicion that you’re just copping his rich sperm. Sit in on his classes. Act like your under-eye circles are from studying all night and not at all from dollar wells at Monday Night Lion. Now you’re set for the next 18 years.
2.) Just Offer to Sleep With Him:
The most action this boy gets is the graze of his own hand while zipping up his pants. Utter the words he’s only dreamt about during his naps at Grainger: “Yo, wanna bang?” His excitement will leave no time to run to McKinley and snag a handful of free condoms.
1.) Give Up and Aim a Little Lower:
Political science majors need some love too. So do architecture majors. But maybe stop there.