Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, or ASMR, is a relatively unknown scientific phenomenon, which refers to complete relaxation triggered by specific visual and audial stimuli. It’s like the video you might’ve seen of that lady loudly chomping pickles directly into the microphone, only significantly less hilarious. ASMR is growing rapidly in popularity. That’s why we’ve taken the liberty of convincing your hot TA to conduct all their Moodle updates via ASMR from now on. You’re welcome.
6.) Assigning Readings:
Studies show that few UIUC students enjoy reading for class. Lamentably, your class’s readings aren’t available through audiobook format nor through disarming whispers on a binaural microphone. However, the titles of the .pdf files featuring each reading will give you intense tingles when they’re read in your attractive TA’s six-inch voice.
5.) Posting a Revised Syllabus:
Remember when the TA slipped on a banana peel and had to cancel class? We do too. Now, enjoy the newly-revised syllabus in ASMR. Discovering that every assignment has been pushed back by a singular class meeting has never been as satisfying as when the news is relayed to you via sweet nothings in each ear.
4.) Inserting a Comment Next to Your Essay Grade:
The time you managed to write that entire ENG 209 essay while still drunk in the UGL at 6 a.m. was this century’s most iconic scam, yet your TA felt that the paper could’ve had more depth and been more thoroughly proofread. Nevertheless, hearing their winsome voice spewing harsh critiques in stereo is a nearly indescribable sensory experience. You’ll want your next essay to be even more rushed and poorly written to elicit a lengthier and equally calming response.
3.) Cancelling Class:
There was no way you were making it to your 9 a.m. after drinking heavily at Monday Night Lion again. Now you can sleep in or hover over the toilet without consequence. Delicate finger flutters and breathy whispers through your hot TA’s gaudy microphone is the optimal way to receive the blissful news. Moreover, it’ll almost help to cancel out ceaseless nausea. Almost.
2.) Extending Project Deadlines:
It’s the night before your group presentation and not a single member of your group has as much as spoken in the GroupMe. You’re all certain that your grade is screwed until the TA’s angelic voice emerges, pushing back all presentations to next Tuesday. You have a means through which to revel in the clutchness, and most importantly, more time to not do a goddamn thing.
1.) Posting PowerPoint Slides:
Forget about an iClicker or mandatory attendance; there’s little reason to go to class if your TA is just gonna post the PowerPoint slides afterward. You hate rolling out of bed for your 9 a.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but you won’t get to pine over your hot TA if you’re not at their lecture. Luckily, now that all course notes are available via sharp whispers and audible spittle, you’ll get to sleep in, crush over them, and intoxicate yourself with a false hope they reciprocate your feelings of lust.