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U of I Frat Guys Unsure What To Do With Hands Due To “These Hands Don’t Haze” Campaign

The University of Illinois campus, as well as many others, adopted the phrase “These hands don’t haze” in recent years to combat students dying at the hands of frat guys. Despite the overwhelming public acceptance to the nice brotherhood movement, one frat is struggling changing their ways.


“I guess the campaign makes sense, like we should be torturing a few less guys a semester,” said pledge educator Aaron Romano of Sigma Sigma Epsilon. “But what the hell are we going to do with our poor, stubby hands? I used these hands to make the pledges drink out of a shared gallon of semen that had been fermenting from the last pledge class.”

Pledges of the fraternity have mixed feelings toward the campaign, however.


“I’m a little uneasy thinking that a fraternity is actually going to treat me like a human and I won’t have to walk like an elephant around a room,” said freshman Matt Martin. “I guess pledging is just going to be a bunch of dudes with their hands in their pockets, just seems a little lame to me.”


Romano does have some plans to deal with the new policy and still find a way to use his hands the way he wants.


“Overall, I’m here to teach them about our values, etiquette and just, like, how to be dope bros who can tolerate Red Lion,” Romano said. “Maybe now I can finally get a pedicure to fix my hands from punching my pledges from last year.”


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