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U of I Frat Manages Not to Offend a Single Person at Halloween Party

 

The Sigma Beta Tau fraternity at University of Illinois has reportedly not offended a single partygoer at their annual Halloween party.

The news comes as a shock to many, especially for the office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs (FSA). Michelle Fallon, FSA’s Liaison to top houses, explained just how historic this day was for her office.

“I had to do a double-take when I got an email actually praising one of our fraternities,” Fallon said. “The amount of complaints we’ve gotten over the years has skyrocketed after people started only letting upper middle class white kids get away with pretty much anything they wanted instead of everything. Let me tell ya, it was a different time back in the day, back when America was great.”

Costumes that are seen by most as offensive to various cultures and ethnic groups have often been the main culprit for complaints in the past. This is why Sigma Beta Tau’s Risk Manager Glenn Jacobson made sure to have a rigorous screening process for entrants at the party.

“Halloween for the Risk Manager of a top house is a goddamn nightmare,” Jacobson wheezed behind 3 cigarettes. “So we recruited my buddy from high school who’s active on Tumblr and Vice President of Safe Space Place on campus to help out with a door shift. Anytime he said something that didn’t fly, we kicked ‘em out, and though there were probably only two dozen people who actually made it in, it was a certifiably progressive banger.”

Those open-minded enough to get into the party claimed to experience feelings that are generally foreign to frat parties: dignity and self-worth. Hannah Chavez, one of the girls in attendance, detailed the pleasant surprise it was for her.

“Not once this year did a frat guy clad in an Indian headdress make a sexual euphemism about my costume. I’m not sure if this is some new kind of hazing or something but this was the first time I didn’t have to pretend to be having a good time at a frat,” Chavez revealed. “Who would’ve thought how awesome it would be to actually treat women like human beings?”

While this is certainly a huge success for Greek organizations, not everyone has been quick to laud Sigma Beta Tau for their accomplishment. Others in top houses, such as Rho Epsilon’s Matt Berkley, warned of the dangerous precedent this could set for fraternities.

“If we start holding ourselves to a higher standard, we’re not going to last more than five years on this campus,” Berkley explained. “What we’re seeing now is the gentrification, dare I say geedification, of fraternities. If we can’t treat people like shit and piss them off in every way imaginable, then what’s honestly the point of being in a top house in the first place?”

Perhaps the tides are indeed changing for Greek life and a new wave of progressivism has transcended these historically hyper-conservative groups. One thing is for sure: Sigma Beta Tau’s U of I chapter is now nationals golden boy and you’ll be sure to be hearing about this party the next time they inevitably end up back in court.

 

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