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U of I Frat Star Declares “It’s Not Gay If It’s During Recruitment”

With sorority recruitment in full swing, Greek women are forced to stay in the confines of their sorority houses for hours chatting up impressionable freshmen about how much they love their sisters that they secretly hate. Because of this, the gender ratios at local Champaign-Urbana bars have been heavily skewed toward men.


“Chicks can’t go out because it’s, like, against the recruitment rules or something, which basically means I have to go almost two weeks without getting my dick sucked by a Tri Delt at Lion,” explained local frat star Ian Kraft. “After two years of enduring this borderline torture, I’m finally deciding that fooling around with your frat bros isn’t gay if it’s during recruitment.”

Although sexual experimentation is generally unheard of for straight fraternity men at U of I, that is thrown out the window as soon as they are woken up by the first open house chant of the year.


“It’s not uncommon for me to bring a new top house girl home every night during the year, which is why it feels like my dick is gonna fall off during recruitment,” explained frat star Ethan Rosenberg. “This year has been great though, Ian and I have gotten to know each other on a new level that’s even deeper than brothership.”


As recruitment continues, frat stars at UIUC will continue exploring their sexualities until they can slay pussy again on Bid Day and act like none of this ever happened.

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