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U of I Crowned Top Party School, Red Lion $10 Cover Justified

On Monday, researchers at Princeton Review determined by unknown variables that the University of Illinois is the #1 Party School in the nation. It marks the first time that the school gained the top spot. However, no one is happier to hear the news than the owner of Red Lion.


While most bars on campus only have $5 cover, Red Lion known for its table dancers, ear-deafening bass, and drink wait time has been stern in past years on its $10 cover, which turned off college students on a tight budget.


“What are my $10 for?” wondered one confused frat guy. “I’m just gonna stand behind girls and grind up on them until they realize I’m standing right behind them; sounds like a waste of money to me.”


When the news broke of the ranking, the Red Lion bar owner was seen with a smug look on his face. It’s like he always knew the $10 would be eventually justified somehow.


“My buddies Cly and Joe who charged $5 cover for their bars laughed at me when I started charging $10 cover, even a White Horse was neighing at me prices” said the Red Lion bar owner. “Has a horse ever neighed at you?!” he asked.


But, the owner believed in the student body when no other bar owner did. He believed he trained these students to party harder and get drunker, which he believed got the school to number one.


Now that U of I is ranked #1 when it comes to partying, it seems that the students are finally coming around to the idea of a $10 cover.


“With these new rankings, I will only pay $10 and above to get into any bar on campus” said the no-longer-confused-and-financially-equipped frat guy.


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