Last Saturday night couple Shawn Truman and Becca Hellberg were arrested at County Market on Stoughton Street eating something that should have never been eaten in the first place.
“They were going to…I don’t even want to say it,” reported County Market manager Steve Martins. “But as soon as I saw them trying to get nasty with their tongues in the chip aisle like Cookie Monster and a cookie, I had to call campus police.”
Truman and Hellberg, both U of I juniors, were detained for attempting to eat the booty like groceries, in a grocery store.
“We thought it would be funny,” explained Truman. “It would be like a pun and satisfy our love for eating ass. Who doesn’t want a Dorito Cool Ranch-flavored asshole for once?”
The two juniors were leaving Red Lion when they took a detour to stop at County Market.
“When you want to get it on sometimes you can’t wait,” said a surprisingly-not-embarrassed Hellberg. “And since we were next to groceries, we thought, hey, let’s eat the booty like groceries!”
The two will be charged with a booty-eating misdemeanor due to tainting all the Doritos at County Market. The trial is set for April 3rd at the Champaign County Courthouse.
“I have a great lawyer, so I’m not worried,” spoke a confident Truman. “He’s the one who got that got the Graingerbator off a few years back. Like, not got off got off, just…you know what I mean.”
County Market has announced they will move chips to the cigarette section, so all customers who want chips will have to request them. This was truly the only way to get people to keep their hands and mouths away.
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