It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Or should we say: It’s the most wonderful time to chug some beer? Here at the University of Illinois, many of us are counting down the days ‘til we can chug alcoholic eggnog with our dads. But a normal advent calendar just won’t do. And since school completely consumes your life anyway, why not let it take over the holidays too? Here’s our hypothetical UIUC Advent Calendar to get you in the holiday spirit:
Dec. 1 – iClicker:
You paid like, $50 for one of these and only used it twice, and no one will fucking buy it off you. So here it is again. Hope you got your money’s worth.
Dec. 2 – Lovie Smith’s Headset:
Ever been jealous of Lovie Smith’s bulky headset? No? Well, it’s yours now.
Dec. 3 – Overpriced Literature Anthology You Never Read:
Why would you use that expensive book you bought when you can just use Sparknotes for everything?
Dec. 4 – Pair of White Converse, Stolen From AXO Sorority Member:
Even though sophomore Stacey Miller wore these things around campus every day, they’re still as white as our current U.S. government.
Dec. 5 – Crushed Natty Light Can:
Authentic item; collected off the ground outside the Ike.
Dec. 6 – Photo of Whoever Our University President Is:
What’s his name? Tommy something?
Dec. 7 – Your Crushed Hopes and Dreams:
You barely made it to this point of the semester alive. The future’s looking bleak.
Dec. 8 – ZBT Hoodie that Really Smells Like Weed:
Stolen after a one night stand, this hoodie smells like the dankest kush.
Dec. 9 – A Used Whip-It! Cartridge:
Found on the Main Quad, this makes us wonder who the hell is doing Whip-It’s! out there!
Dec. 10 – Packet of Ramen Seasoning:
Classic staple that’s currently running through every freshman’s veins.
Dec. 11 – Pair of Sperry’s:
Stolen from some chump in your ADV 150 class, probably.
Dec. 12 – Chicago Flag Purchased in Naperville:
If you don’t have a Chicago flag hanging in your dorm, are you even from the suburbs?
Dec. 13 – Tube of Lipstick Found on Red Lion’s Bathroom Floor:
Slightly dirty and half-used, but with a gorgeous, on-trend shade! Soon, you’ll look like every other girl who’s ever gone to Lion.
Dec. 14 – Blue Raspberry Burnett’s:
Tastes like regret.
Dec. 15 – $1.50 to Buy Powerade in the Union Basement:
For when you’re thirsty in-between study breaks. And by “study breaks,” we mean lurking on your ex’s Instagram instead.
Dec. 16 – Barn Dance Hay:
With possible remnants of some bro’s puke.
Dec. 17 – Blue-Guy-Stained White T-Shirt:
Dec. 18 – Someone’s Engineering Degree:
We all know you could never earn one of these on your own, so here’s someone else’s you can look at for a while.
Dec. 19 – McKinley “Cold Pack”:
The cough drops in that thing never did much for you.
Dec. 20 – Used Condom:
A big thanks to McKinley for making this possible.
Dec. 21 – Tangled Headphones:
Found in the bottom of your backpack after being lost there for months.
Dec. 22 – Plaid Shirt:
This one either belonged to a Urbana hipster or an avid barn dance goer.
Dec. 23 – Vineyard Vines Sticker:
Every basic white dude has one of these on his laptop. And you can too!
Dec. 24 – Espresso Royale Chicken Pesto Wrap:
Overpriced is an understatement. Why would you ever buy this?