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UIUC Bars as Early 2000s Hollywood Scandals

No time period seems as iconic as the decade between 2000-2010. Media starlets flashing their crotches to juicy divorce cases among the highest paid actors, the early aughts had it all. In an attempt to smoosh together 2000s sloppy nostalgia with current-day sloppy drama, here are the most memorable early Hollywood scandals reimagined as the UIUC bars.

Joe’s Brewery — Michael Jackson dangles baby over balcony:
Among many MJ scandals, one that stands out over others was in 2002, when he dangled one of his children over a balcony to show the press. There’s no better place to imagine this scenario happening on campus other than on the lovely balcony in the beer garden at Joe’s. Oh Blanket, you poor child.

KAM’s — Everything Lindsay Lohan did:
From her several DUIs to her wild nights out with Paris Hilton, there’s a lot to unpack when it comes to Li-Lo. Just like Lohan, you never know what you’re gonna get yourself into at KAM’s. Maybe it’ll be a chill beer night with some buddies, or a wild night of slamming Blue Guys and ripping tequila until the next thing you know your half naked and screaming obscenities in the back of an Uber.

Cly’s — Madonna and Britney kiss:
Ah, we’ve all had those Tuesday nights at the Clybourne where we had a little too much wine, and got too friendly with someone we declared in the friend zone. This affectionate exchange is perfectly exemplified by Madonna and Britney’s kiss at the 2003 VMA’s. Wine night truly embodies this.

Red Lion — Charlie Sheen interviews:
Who could forget Charlie Sheen’s infamous rants in 2011 where he claimed to have “tiger blood” running through his veins? There’s no better bar to represent Sheen’s series of coked out interviews than the Red Lion. Sheen’s catchphrase, “winning!” is perfectly personified by the greekiest bar on campus, packed with shells of human beings who surround themselves with hot people to feel relevant.

Firehaus — Tiger Woods cheats on his wife:
How could the loveable sports bar not be paired up with Tiger Woods’ public split with his wife that involved several mistresses? While you’re watching whatever game on the TV’s at Haus, always remember when Tiger crashed his car trying to flee his enraged wife swinging his golf clubs.

Murphy’s — Kim Kardashian’s sex tape:
No list about early 2000’s scandals is complete without Kim Kardashian and Ray J’s naughty nighttime video. This dimly lit pub is the perfect place to tape a dirty video, whether you do it in the bathroom or just any back closet. Then you can get your post coital beer at the bar! “Sexy can I… get a Bud Light?”

Legends — Brad leaves Jennifer for Angelina:
At one point or another in your college career, you lose your infatuation with wine night, and you get a rail card like a sane young adult. You start spending your Tuesday nights at Legends instead of Cly’s, very similarly to how Brad Pitt swapped out Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. You can say the relationship with the two bars didn’t overlap, but, we all know how it went down.

The 90’s kids truly grew up in a great time where drug using TV stars ruled the tabloid headlines. After filming and recording all day, they hit the nightlife to drink heavily and wild out, much like the way Illinois students do at the Champaign-Urbana bars after hours.

 

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