Vandalism is generally pretty illegal unless you’re some type of Banksy, but even Banksy doesn’t know who Banksy is. At the University of Illinois, many students– English majors especially– need an outlet to express their thoughts in places other than the many online social media platforms at their disposal. Consequently, many underworked students rush to the English Building bathroom with their utensils to create their art while they drop a deuce. Here’s our power ranking of English Building bathroom graffiti:
5.) Edibles and Weed Shit:
This artist truly put their fart into this piece. The highlight of this graffiti is the ellipses after the word “edibles,” which creates suspense for the pooping reader. Does their shit smell like weed? It does! English classes can be pretty boring if all you do is read, smoke cigarettes, and worry about unemployment, so taking an edible might help. But at what cost?
4.) You’ll Be Okay:
Some students use bathroom graffiti to uplift fellow shitting students, which seems like a sweet idea until under-caffeinated students bite back. For instance, some kind angel tried to make people feel better by saying “you’ll be okay,” but unfortunately, this was dismissed with a “fuck off.” Thankfully, the English nerds ganged up on this douchebag to teach them some weird lesson about bean curd or something.
3.) Banging His Dad:
Apparently, someone close to the artist had sex with their best friend, and the artist declared it to the entire English Building. A savage individual then commented, suggesting that the artist have sex with said person’s dad for revenge. For the family’s sake, we hope this didn’t happen. But for the sake of a good story, we hope it did. Perhaps the best part is the checkmark and “100” next to the suggestion to sleep with the dad, symbolizing a stranger’s approval of the plan.
2.) A Woman’s Body:
One of the most visually striking graffiti drawings in the stalls is a woman’s torso. The drawing is rather impressive due to its accurate public hair puff and shapely legs. However, there is one glaring error in this drawing: one boob is vastly larger than the other…like three times larger. But regardless of its failed attempt to embrace imperfections, this grafitti drawing is impressive.
1.) Trump and a Rusty Pipe:
Free speech can be an issue at the University of Illinois, but not when it comes to bathroom art. This artist isn’t a fan of President Trump, and kindly requests that he get a rusty pipe from one of his bankrupt casinos to pleasure himself with. If Trump saw this graffiti, he would probably put some graffiti ban in place and call it “Fake News.” Due to the bravery of this anonymous student, they’ve earned the number one spot in the ranking of best English Building graffiti.
UIUC administrators won’t be happy about new the graffiti in the recently renovated bathrooms of an already ancient building. However, we need to support the dying art of bathroom graffiti as well as literature one way or another, since UIUC only cares about the Colleges of Business and Engineering.