A shocking report from earlier this week revealed that UIUC is implementing a new campus-wide initiative to phase out its existing wide and spacious sidewalks in exchange for the new, slim, fat-shaming ones, as seen at the intersection of Sixth & Gregory.
This new walkway is one-fourth the size of the previous ones and is engineered to the exact specification of people who are merely skin and bones. This is a direct attempt by the university to enforce its fat-shaming agenda.
Naturally, students are not happy with the decision.
“I remember that sidewalk was closed for a while, and I thought it was because of construction,” admits confused and mildly-chubby UIUC junior, Tony Blubber. “I should’ve realized long ago, back when the Ike stopped making milkshakes, that the university really is trying to cleanse the school of us bigger-boned people.”
The decision led to widespread backlash across campus. Campus officials put out a pretentious statement in response to the criticism.
“We noticed all of the body positivity going on around campus, and we’re here to put an end to it,” revealed campus recreation coordinator Rebecca Bones. “We have a finite amount of space on campus, and promoting that ideal is going to result in less space for the rest of us. That’s why we teamed up with the UIUC engineering nerds to design a sidewalk that’s the perfect fit for our skinny legend Illini!”
Everything from desk sizes to stalls are expected to be cut in half as a result of the initiative. However, campus officials said the cost of tuition is the only thing whose “size won’t be drastically reduced.”
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