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‘Honey, Your P***y Is Cancelled Sis!’ Says UIUC Financial Aid Office To Greedy Naperville Mom

The University of Illinois recently announced that all students with annual family incomes of less than $61,000 will receive free tuition for the 2019 school year and beyond. Unfortunately, the family of McKayleigh Wellington was in for a rude awakening when they called the financial aid office and hoped to be an exception to the rule.

“Honey, your pussy is cancelled sis! And that’s that on that!” said Mikey Blake, financial aid office worker and part-time real-ass bitch, to Ms. Wellington over the phone.

Ms. Wellington was reportedly disheartened by the financial aid office’s decision. She couldn’t believe that her wealth and white privilege had, in fact, excluded her from special treatment.

“So what if my husband and I have a combined salary of $170K a year?” Wellington sobbed into a Versace handkerchief. “Times are rough. Having to spend money on our daughter’s education mean there’s less money for us to blow on alcohol when we go boating in the summer. It’s just not fair!”

Even McKayleigh herself was disillusioned by the school’s decision.

“I honestly wish they’d just given me free tuition,” said McKayleigh Wellington, a sophomore at UIUC. “Not because I won’t be able to pay off my debt, but because I have to spend the next three years hearing my mom complain about having no money, when in fact we live in Naperville and are pretty well off.”

Unfortunately, the financial aid office at Illinois won’t budge, meaning the Wellington family is going to have to spend what little leisure money they have remaining on their daughter’s worthless degree in civil engineering.

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