JUULs are taking UIUC by storm, and they show no signs of stopping. College kids can’t get enough of the nicotine buzz, or the juicy hangover cough that comes the next day. Nonetheless, not every frat star is falling to this addiction. Top-house brother Collin Cole is taking a stand and quitting the sickening habit by taking up black tar heroin.
“Basically I just decided to put down the JUUL and pick up the needle,” explained Cole, tightening a belt around his forearm. “It just made sense.”
Although Cole admittedly “hasn’t really thought the decision through,” he encourages others to make the same move.
“The nicotine withdrawals were hitting me hard. I needed to find something else that would fuck me up,” Cole said, moments before injecting tarry black death into his bloodstream. “Heroin is so easy to find these days, so why the hell not? It’s way better for your lungs too.”
Jered Murphy, a friend of Cole’s, does not support the recent switch. He attests that he won’t be partaking in recreational heroin use.
“We don’t really know what he’s doing. I just thought he was kidding when he asked me who my heroin plug was,” says Murphy. “The kid can’t even roll a joint.”
Murphy and the rest of the Pi Kappa Gamma fraternity are extremely concerned with Cole’s new habit. Although they don’t approve, they don’t tell him to stop because their pledge class finally has their own heroin plug.
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