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UIUC Frat Dude Returns to Naperville, Regrets Saying He Was “Hella Ready” for Winter Break

Last week, freshman frat bro Matt Smith reportedly “could not fucking wait for finals to be like, over.” Smith was cracking under pressure prior to UIUC winter break, completely depleted of all energy after the grueling task of studying for his MACS 100 exam.

Smith reported that he’s lucky to go to a party school that’s consistently ranked well in the national party rankings, which he cited as crucial in his decision to attend the university. The stress of finals, however, was severely clouding his judgement– Smith reportedly missed his hometown of Naperville.

“High school was just so much easier, you know? But it’s all worth it for the dope college parties. Bro, I just can’t wait to go home and rest. It’s gonna be so dope,” said Smith, enthusiastically.

His friend, sophomore Josh Ritch, also from the Western suburbs, tried to warn Smith of his blissful ignorance.

“Are you shitting me right now, Matt? There’s nothing out there for either of us,” said Ritch.

“I was like, ‘chill, dude,’” Smith retaliated. “Yeah, the University of Trillinois is lit, but I miss my homies back home.”

Upon his arrival in Naperville, Smith took one step off his Suburban Express bus and tears abruptly flooded his eyes. All the dull memories of the town came back to him. The thought of spending his days sitting in silence in his high school friend’s basement while his mom cooked spaghetti upstairs no longer appealed to him.

“I’ve made a huge mistake,” Smith admitted to himself through a barely audible sob.

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