With a record-setting heat wave engulfing the continental United States this week, Champaign-Urbana is scorching – and to the shock of UIUC girls, their hotness is not the cause of the summer heat.
“I can say with complete validation that the heat this week is not coming from the ‘sexiness’ of girls on campus at the University of Illinois,” said UIUC meteorologist Chris Cruz. “Sure, are there some beautiful women out here in central Illinois? Hell yes! But are they impacting the weather across the plains this week? Hell no!”
Still, some sorority girls, like Tiffany Carson, are having difficult swallowing the truth as well as their pride.
“This is outrageous,” Carson told The Black Sheep. “I am hot shit and the weather is hot shit this week because of me and all of my sisters. We’re incredibly attractive women and I’m so glad that Mother Nature finally took note and is rewarding us for our hard work doing squats in the ARC.”
The National Weather Service plans on issuing heat watches across the Midwest and East Coast later this week as a result of the extreme temperatures.
“There’s always heat watches going on in this area with the attractiveness of our girls,” says male UIUC student, Don Duncan. “No matter where I am, you can be sure I’m watching all of the hotness our babes have to offer. I don’t know what the National Weather Service thinks they’re doing issuing the heat watches now, they’re pretty goddamn late.”
Meteorologist Chris Cruz, though, isn’t having any of the ill-advised statements by UIUC students.
“Just because they’re getting a world-class education from the U of I doesn’t mean that the world suddenly revolves around them,” Cruz admits. “Don’t all of these kids take ATMS 120? Is that not the easiest class on campus? It can’t be more clear that just because there may be some provocative, racy, sensuous, voluptuous, titillating girls here on campus, doesn’t mean their hotness gives us some incredibly hot and historic summer weather.”
It’s unsure if male UIUC students will be arguing that the freezing temperatures this December are a result of their coolness, but right now, the heat brought by the girls is the main focus.
“I’m hot and the weather’s hot,” Tiffany Carson said. “It’s clearly because of me and my girls.”