Last week, incoming UIUC senior and intern at Peters & Smith Marketing, Chad Lewings, decided he was overworked.
“I can’t keep all these Starbucks orders straight!” said an exasperated Lewings. “And every time my boss asks me to file documents or do something that requires skill, I’m forced to take a two-hour bathroom break and hope no one notices.”
Lewings claims that the stress of his unpaid internship of less than 30 hours a week is causing him to break out in hives and is shortening his life expectancy.
“For the sake of my rapidly-depleting health, I realized I had to do what no other intern has done before: hire my own intern,” said Lewings, shaking his head gravely. “What better place to find one than ISU? Got to keep the hierarchy alive.”
Lewings hired his friend, ISU junior Matt Klipper, to serve as his personal intern at Peters & Smith.
“I was so stoked when he hired me!” said Klipper. “The interviewing process was intense and there was a lot of competition from other ISU kids, so I was lucky to snag the position. It’ll look great when I finally make a LinkedIn page!”
Some of Klipper’s duties as Lewings’ unpaid intern include driving from Champaign to Chicago every morning to deliver him Espresso Royale, serving as Lewings’ personal footrest and literally all of Klipper’s assigned jobs.
When asked what he thought of his employee’s unorthodox solution, Lewings’ boss Sharon Dillard replied, “At first I was skeptical, but I’m an Illini alum and my employees with the lowest salaries all went to ISU, so I respect the hustle.”