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UIUC Kinetics Professor Offers Extra Credit To Students Speaking In Coherent Sentences On Unofficial

Kinesiology Professor Ginger Scott has announced this week that she will be giving extra credit worth a full letter grade to students who can form coherent sentences during her 11 a.m. Friday lab on Unofficial. Professor Scott, who teaches KIN 259 – Motor Development & Control in a rundown Huff Hall classroom, understands how popular the holiday on March 3rd is and wanted to give her students an extra incentive to show up to her class.

“I understand that it sucks to have to go to class on Unofficial, but hey, I have to be sober too,” Professor Scott said. “Do you think it’s easy to put up with these whiney kids’ bullshit without my nightly bottles of $3 Chardonnay? It’s not. But there’s not a whole lot that’s been going right around campus, so I figured I’d show them some pity.”

Professor Scott made the announcement via her Illinois Compass page this past Tuesday and it’s already caused an uproar on the Student’s Forum for the KIN 259 class. Many students, such as senior Burt Thatcher, have noted that they plan to pass up on the extra credit opportunity.

“You’ve got 2 b kidding me L,” commented Burt. “I wish I didn’t need this class to graduate, otherwise I would dropped this faster than you could say “levator labii superioris alaeque nasi muscle.” I don’t know what the Scott’s deal is. I don’t pay thousands for this injustice.”

While many students have been vocal about forgoing the extra credit opportunity, some such as Samantha Belle think it’s worth it. A small minority of students associate the move with their opinion that Unofficial is an overrated school holiday.

“Yeah, it’s totally a geed holiday,” scoffed Belle. “You know what we call it in Sigma Mu Gamma when drink that heavily? A regular Friday. We’ll give them this day, it’s really not that special, not even for our 20s, who are the hottest on campus, by the way. Plus, I could really use the extra credit after missing so many lectures ever since I discovered Thursday 40s at KAM’s.”

Still others plan to go to the lab while heavily intoxicated, testing their luck in hopes of not having to compromise their Unofficial plans. Sophomore Alexander Witter explained his plans for the day and how he hoped to conceal his drunkenness from the TAs who would be awarding the extra credit.

“I don’t really have a choice, I promised my bros that I’d do a Kanye Power Hour with them at 6 a.m. and there’s no way I’m not going to be turnt after 40 minutes of that,” said Witter. “So here’s what I’ve done, I’ve gone to every class hammered ever since the professor put out her announcement, in order to fool people into thinking I have a speech impediment or something. Plus, most of the TAs sound like English was their 4th language so I’m pretty confident I can slide this one past them.”

It’s no secret that U of I students love Unofficial, often times referring to it endearingly as a “certified shit show.” Still, Professor Scott’s propositions will be revealing as to which students in her class actually care, and which really ought to take a minute to reevaluate their priorities in life.

 

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.

 

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