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UIUC Neo-Luddite Society Destroys JUULs in Favor of Cigarettes

A movement that began in the early 17th century opposing all types of technology, the Luddites became notorious for destroying factory equipment during the industrial revolution. 300 years later, the movement has once again gained traction, with UIUC serving as their collegiate hub. The object of their contempt? The JUUL e-cigarette.

“Mark my words, the JUUL will be the downfall of our generation,” reports Bill Hamleigh, chairman of the UIUC Neo-Luddite Society. “There’s just so much we don’t yet understand about them. Like, what are the long-term consequences of vaporizing nicotine salts? Are they safer, or are they simply harmful in different ways? We fear the powers that be shall come forward in twenty years, and tell us JUULing is giving of our children diseases. Therefore, we shall take Juuls by force!”

Considering addiction is not easily overcome, Charles Reck, another member of the cult, suggests how nicotine addicts proceed.

“Switch back to cigarettes. At least you know what you’re getting. Sure, what you’re getting is cancer and lung problems, but at least cigarettes have proven and measurable effects on the body,” said Reck. “Plus, they look so much cooler. You tell me which is sexier, puffing on a cigarette like a modern James Dean, or sucking on a square robot cock.”

Hamleigh and his affiliates hope to melt down enough JUUL’s to create a metal boulder to be dropped on Evergreen Tobacco, UIUC’s number one JUUL distributor. The Black Sheep will keep an eye on this developing story, but in the meantime, look for the UIUC Luddites Club thumbing through VHS stacks in the UGL basement.

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