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UIUC Ranch Power Rankings

Here at U of I, there are many restaurants to choose from when you’re in the mood to destroy your body after a long night of downing dollar tequila shots at Lion on a Monday night. A go-to side to take your meal from high in cholesterol to full on heart attack is the beloved ranch dressing. Lucky for you, we decided to give you the ultimate UIUC ranch power rankings so you can be sure to only patronize restaurants that are sure to give you the optimal ranch experience.

4.) McDonald’s:

Though not exactly a UIUC-specific restaurant, McDonald’s is nonetheless an important staple for the average U of I student. After leaving the club at 2 a.m., McDank’s is the perfect place to continue your turn up while dipping some fries or nuggies in some dope ranch. While still a great option to satisfy your late-night cravings on the low low, McDonald’s banks on you being too drunk to realize that their ranch is “meh” at best, putting it at #5 on this list.

 

3.) Joe’s:

Joe’s is a go-to spot for Illini to get blitzed at 3 a.m. and cure their hangover the next day. You’ll be happy to hear that at this campus staple. the ranch does not disappoint. This ranch is Certified Thicc™ and will satisfy your craving. Due to its richness, rest may be necessary after eating a meal with ranch here, but let’s be honest, if you’re graduating unemployed like me, you probably don’t care if you live or die. Party on.

2.) Legends:

Although not really ranch, I felt it was important to include the wondrous sauce that is Legends pub dip on this list. If you’re asking why a sauce that isn’t even ranch is so high on the list, you’ve clearly never had Legends pub chips before and should probably fuck off. Perfectly crunchy and salty, their Pub Chips are the perfect vessel to enjoy a heart-stopping sauce like this one, which puts this “ranch” as the campus ranch runner-up.

1.) Slice Factory:

Sweet, sweet Slice Factory came into our lives when we were all starting to get over the death of Antonio’s and were actually considering going to Cracked. Thank God we don’t have to do that. Not only is the pizza considerably tastier than other campus pizza options, their ranch is damn near perfect. Not too thick, delicious ranch-y flavor, and it comes in a big ass cup. If you’re a ranch connoisseur like myself, try this stuff and prepare to never look at mayo-based side dressings the same way again.

Sure, maybe my love for ranch is the reason I’ve gained 30 pounds since freshman year. And sure, I’ve probably used food and alcohol as a coping mechanism for the turbulent stress that is college. But was it worth it? Absolutely. Next time you and your friends are looking for somewhere to stuff your faces and talk shit about your “best friend”, use this guide to have the ranch experience you’re looking for.

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Mississippi State – $100 Bounty
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