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UIUC Senior Sets 4 Personal Records During March Midterms


Johnny Banks capped off his spring semester midterms in Lincoln Hall the Friday before Spring Break. Banks, a senior, walked away with several atrocious performances, scoring the worst out of 600 students in his ATMS 120 lecture. Banks performed better in his geography class, Big Rivers of the World, miraculously receiving a D on the multiple-choice exam.


“Finding a way to come in last place in ATMS 120 is an accomplishment that isn’t just credited towards myself,” Banks said. “It’s definitely credited towards my family, my teachers and my classmates. I was just happy to go out there and find a way to do worse than some of those other idiots that sit in the back and talk the entire time.”


Banks’ performances during midterms allowed him to set four personal records on the exams. His records include Worst Overall Score on an Exam (7%), Least Time Spent Taking an Exam (4 minutes), Most Times Cussing During an Exam Because You Don’t Know Shit (38 swears), and Most Times Asking the Person Next For You a Pencil (6 times). Banks outperformed last year’s stats in all four categories, crediting his success to just “not caring.”


“I’m a senior still studying general studies,” Banks told The Black Sheep. “I honestly didn’t know I was setting records last week until you just told me, but I’m honored to have some new personal accolades.”


Banks, who has passed no advanced-level classes, struggled with an addiction to campus bars during midterm testing week, according to geology professor Ken Ford.


“It wasn’t meant to be for Johnny this time around, but I’m not proud of the way he represents this university and handles his whole situation,” Ford exclaimed. “Why are we celebrating this idiot? He acts with no class and dignity. How did he even get into this university? Why are we praising his ‘personal records.’ Huh?”


In order to focus on setting more personal records, and possibly university records, during finals week, there’s a strong chance Banks will return home to Naperville, Illinois in order to not go to class or study for exams. Banks says this will allow him extra time to watch womens basketball and play croquet at the local country club.


“I’m going to do everything in my power to continue my success and inspire others to reach for the ground and garner terrible scores,” Banks preached. “I want to be a role model for future students to show them that you can achieve whatever you want here at the University of Illinois and nobody will stop you.”


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