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UIUC Sorority Girls Forced to Wear White After Labor Day


UIUC sorority girls are furious this week after the University of Illinois Panhellenic Council (PHC) issued a decree that all girls must wear white at least once per week – even though it’s going to be after Labor Day.


“I literally can’t even,” sophomore Sara Ney, a member of Omega Sigma sorority. “I’m literally never going to be in season anymore. Most of my maxi-skirts, velvet jackets and rompers are cream, eggshell and vanilla. But why would I own white clothes? It’s after Labor Day!”


The PHC issued the following statement earlier this week following the mandate for wearing white attire out of season:


The University of Illinois Panhellenic Council is forcing all of our followers to wear white clothing at least once a week for the remainder of the fall semester, even though Labor Day has passed. This is part of our mission to make our basic bitches struggle and make life, like, more difficult for everybody involved. Not wearing white post-Labor Day was a movement started by women’s magazines in the 1950s and to show the world that we, the srats at Illinois, will not follow this out-of-touch precedent, we will be wearing white after the federal holiday this year.


Ney says the most difficult part of the PHC’s mandate was breaking the news to girls visiting the Omega Sigma house during formal recruitment.


“It was so, so rough having fake conversations with these wonderful girls and then having to tell them they’re going to have to wear white clothing,” Ney said. “I want nothing more than these girls to have, legit, a perfect year in our house, but this news is just devastating.


While the girls giving up their time in college to join a cult are having a difficult time handling the white clothing decree, parents are having an even more difficult time handling the news.


“My white, upper-middle class, communication major daughter deserves so much better than this,” Bridget Ney, Sara’s mom, said. “The psychological effects that Sara may suffer from the nasty comments other pedestrians say at her when she’s walking on Green Street in her white clothes during October may be irreversible.”


However, Ney and her sisters are trying to see the brightest side of the situation.


“At least the PHC isn’t forcing us to get matching anal bleaches this fall,” a relieved Ney said. “White is for a day, anal bleaching is forever.”

Wonder why freshmen suck? We have it figured out:

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