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UIUC Student Pleased that Lectures Are Free at Home


Highland Park, Illinois – Arguments inside the Paul household have escalated above the typical debates of where to order Chinese food from, as a result of their daughter’s return to home from college for the summer.


UIUC rising junior and civil engineering major, Kelly Paul, decided to return home this summer to become a camp counselor for the local park district. Paul, an underachieving millennial, chose camp counseling over getting an engineering internship to make her resume worth jack-shit.


Paul has accumulated mountains of debt from paying for college classes for the past two years and sees no feasible way she’ll ever pay off her student loans.


“I really thought mommy and daddy would pay for all of my college so I could just go and enjoy myself in Champaign,” said Paul.. “But then they stopped sending money and Bernie isn’t going to be President. Crying emoji.”


Spending her third consecutive collegiate summer in her parents’ home, Paul was giddy to find out that lectures – while expensive at school – are actually free of charge at home.


“College is hella expensive,” Paul said. “Between sorority functions, cover to get into Lion and Joe’s, and the fact that guys at the Silver Bullet are cheap, I’ve had trouble paying my tuition.”


For the first time since the “Get to Know Your Classmates Assignment” in Psychology 100 during freshman year, Kelly Paul understands something: she’s able to get free lectures in the comfort of her own home.


“She’s been making bad decisions all year long and they haven’t stopped upon her return home this summer,” Kelly’s mom, Jenna Paul, said. “We chose not to pay for Baby K’s college to make her work harder, promote responsibility, and teach her the value of a dollar. But Kelly just doesn’t get it.”


Paul’s parents claim that Kelly’s misdeeds this summer have included being out past 10:30 p.m. on a weeknight, not putting away the clean dishes in the dishwasher, wearing the same pants two days in a row, and posting Facebook statuses stating that she still “Feels the Bern.” Due to her outbursts, Paul’s parents have been forced to resort to lecturing their daughter, which to her excitement, are free of charge.


“Like, lectures at school are taught by, like, people my grandpa’s age,” Kelly complained. “Plus I’m paying buckets of money to be bored out of my mind about anthropology and stuff like that, but here my useless lectures are free! Summer is great!”


Kelly also believes that the verbal abuse she receives at home is much more useful than the lectures she sits through at college.


“My professors at school harass me and make me feel like a waste of life. My parents at home harass me and make me feel like a waste of life for free! Maybe I’ll come back home from Champaign next summer again?”


“Oh, hell no,” Jenna Paul said.

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