This past week in the Red Lion beer garden, tragedy struck Paul Carroll and his classmates Robby Kasparov and Jack Flanagan when they were following UIUC’s sacred ritual of chucking a handful of ice onto the ground.
“We were just doing what we always do,” Caroll said. “A little cold wasn’t going to stop us from doing what we love. I mean, we were wearing basketball shorts. It was perfect day drinking weather.”
Unlike every other act of icing out, which literally makes a bar dirtier on purpose, this time offered negative consequences.
“These boys were likely suffering from acute frostbite after the first handful of ice,” explained McKinley Health Center’s Dr. Lucius Best. “With every drink after, they were only further damaging the nerves in their fingers and guaranteeing loss of extremities.”
The students were unaware of the irreversible damage being done to their hands due to the massive amounts of alcohol they had consumed.
“Well yeah, we had to pregame pretty hard. How else would we stay warm?” explained Kasparov. “Wearing coats is for pussies, you know that right?”
Although it’s too late for these students, Dr. Best hopes the university will push for something to be done to prevent future incidents instead of completely sweeping issues under the rug.
“With winters only getting colder we need to be educating these dumb students on the dangers of such activities in cold weather,” said Dr. Best. “.If we don’t, we could be looking at a university-wide epidemic of rampant limb loss.”
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