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UIUC Students Pitch Idea For ‘Medical Tobacco’ In Light Of Ban

Chancellor Robert Jones recently served up a devastating email banning Juuls on campus, and students all around UIUC have gone from kind of considering not juuling in the UGL to full-on hesitating.

Luckily, a group of avid activist juulers (AAJ for short) have posed an inventive solution to keep the community alive: medical tobacco.

The idea came to Melissa Walsh when she felt that juuling’s pros outweigh the cons – the cons being a crippling nicotine addiction, and the pros being looking pretty fucking dope.

Other students have spoken out against the Juul ban on campus.

“There’s a ban on coke too. It’s a bummer,” said local drug dealer, Jessie Yaw, right before doing a line on one of the fold-out desks in Foellinger.

While some juulers have chosen to ignore the ban, it has become almost impossible for those sissies who just wanna follow the rules.

“I can’t afford to get another ticket on campus, so I’ve tried grinding up my Juul pods, and mixing them in with my daily protein powder. It’s just not the same,” said Juul enthusiast, Samantha Sandburg.

As a result of the Juul-ban backlash, Walsh of AAJ has started a petition for the creation of medical tobacco tobacco earlier this week.

“Weed fights glaucoma, nicotine gives me a barely-there head rush – I don’t see a difference,” Walsh said.

The petition is planned to be handed in to McKinley after it reaches its goal of one thousand signatures, all from patrons of The Red Lion.


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