Naperville, IL – After forging a nine-month bond between their tush and one-ply toilet paper at UIUC, students are trying something new at home this summer: two-ply toilet paper.
Some UIUC students, like sophomore Andre Irving, seem to actually have had real relationships with one-ply toilet paper and are having trouble moving to the two-ply life.
“It wasn’t one-ply’s fault that it didn’t work out between us,” Irving reassured The Black Sheep. “I just have a better option at home, and that is two-ply toilet paper.”
One-ply toilet paper is historically known to be less successful in getting to those tough-to-reach places and in leaving ass rashes. On the other hand, two-ply toilet paper is soft and advertised on television by a bunch of bears that sit around all day wiping their buttocks.
“Two-ply just satisfies me more,” Irving said. “It knows how to get to the spots that one-ply toilet paper just couldn’t get to.”
But Irving didn’t stop there with his feelings on bathroom tissues.
“Do I feel bad about what I’m doing to one-ply right now? Absolutely. We’d been through everything together: constipation, diarrhea, irritable bowel syndrome, extreme diarrhea and that one time we tee-peed Chancellor Wise’s house. It’s really tough to move on from something you feel so close to and spent time with every day, but it’s time to switch it up. It wasn’t one-ply. It was me.”
All dorms at UIUC, plus most academic buildings, have one-ply toilet paper, leading to extreme disappointment for many students, faculty and the shelter on Green St. for homeless people.
Students’ homes, specifically those in suburbs like Irving’s home in his bubble in Naperville, have two-ply toilet paper because of their rich-people amenities.
However, students clearly aren’t ready to give up their one-ply toilet paper life forever. Luckily for them, UIUC hasn’t issued any plans to move to two-ply for the 2016-2017 school year because there’s still no state budget.
“It’s a goodbye to one-ply for now,” Irving said relieved. “I’m having a fling with two-ply right now, but I’ll be back to you eventually, babe. Two-ply is like a vacation, but you feel like home. You also leave a lot of stains in my ass, but can’t win them all!”