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How UIUC Students Would Write Rupi Kaur Poems

Rupi Kaur is one of today’s most popular poets due to her simple yet inspiring poems for Millennials and their Instagram captions. Her collection of poems Milk and Honey has been widely read by basic white girls who wouldn’t know a good poem from their triple mocha latte with extra whip. However, her poems may not be relatable to everyone, so we decided to make some just for the Illini to appreciate.

6.) Too Many Blue Guys:
Anyone who’s had a rough night at KAM’s can relate to this poem. If you’ve had to deal with blue poop before, please call McKinley immediately.

i had too many Blue Guys
last night
and now my poop is blue.
help.

Cindy wants me to go to
block at Lion
but my head feels like a
chainsaw
(vroom vroom)
and it’s 8 a.m.

i have an exam Monday but
 i’m just gonna get shitfaced
in my youth large jersey
and cry in the bathroom
over a Pike.

5.) McKinley Condoms:
Free McKinley Condoms are a bargain that Illini certainly take advantage of during their time in Champaign. But the actual act of using them…? That’s another story.

scratchy
is how the condoms
from McKinley feel
on my tender dick.

12 free condoms
remain in my wallet,
never worn.

hopefully, i’ll get to use one
at this highlighter party
in AXP’s attic.

until then,
i wait.

4.) An Ode To Taft Van-Doren:
No one understands the dorm struggle more than anyone who has suffered in TVD, the worst dorm in the Six Pack. For Illini who have experienced zero air-conditioning and infinite roaches, this poem is both relatable and heartbreaking.

i accidentally put
my Fleshlight in
the washing machine at Taft Van-Doren
(again)
while I was doing my laundry.

i hope i’ll lose
my virginity this year,
or at least feel air conditioning
on my skin.

3.) A Poem From Frat Park:
Frat guys aren’t known for being the most articulate, but the text below would make anyone snap their fingers in delight. Sadly, you’ll only relate to it if you know someone at the party.

who
do you know
here, bro?

oh
you know Doug?
dude’s my pledge brother.
i blew him.

alright,
you’re cool to come in.
just don’t blow Doug.
he’s mine.

2.) A Sick Campus:
Champaign is the sickest place in America. It’s just unfortunate that the only people on campus that can save us are “doctors” who will automatically diagnose you with mumps when you just have a sore throat.

i have a migraine
and a hacking cough
and I can’t stop getting nosebleeds
during STATS 100.

i waited in McKinley for four hours
and they said I have the mumps.

i miss my mom
this place is a cesspool
goodbye cruel world.

1.) Monday Night Lion Pain:
No one quite understands why Illini are willing to pay $10 cover to be shoved by random meatheads, but alas, we do it every Monday and for most of us, every other day. Why do we keep cornering ourselves in the Lion’s den?

why do i do this
to myself?

i hate Monday Night Lion
but i cannot stay away.

i’m addicted to the pain
of paying $10 cover
for no toilet paper
and trash EDM remixes.

free me from this
mortal coil.

We hope some of these poems that are possibly just sentences we broke up into different lines can help and heal the Illini community. We hope to see you at the Red Herring for the next poetry slam.

 

 

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