Apparently, calling your significant other or sexual partner “daddy” is a new trend, or so your parents and the Illuminati WANT you to think. In reality, the term has been used in this manner ever since Sigmund Freud decided to wake up one morning and be a creepy fuck. When Dads Weekend at the University of Illinois rolls around, it’ll be incredibly tempting to use the phrase “daddy,” whether ironically, sexually, or for you weird girls who still call your fathers that. Just try not to exclaim “daddy!” at the following places if you want to stay out of trouble this weekend:
6.) The Child Development Laboratory:
It’s not a wise decision to scream “daddy!” at the top of your lungs around these Urbana parts. There are many tiny children whom psych and education students are creepily watching through two-way mirrors because they plan to eat them eventually. If these kids hear you yell “daddy,” they’ll automatically start yelling for their daddies as well, and asking them to save them from this hell.
5.) Outside Any Frat House:
Every frat bro and their dad will turn around in response to “daddy!” which doesn’t bode well for anyone involved. Awkward aversion of eye contact will ensue as the frat boys chug their Natty Lights even faster than before while the one dad on the grill accidentally burns the brats.
4.) The UGL Silent Floor:
Emphasis on “silent.” And unlike G’s, daddies don’t move in silence like lasagna. If you dare shriek “Daddy!” on the UGL Silent Floor, the white-haired librarian will violently shush you, Uggles the UGL cat will bite you and you’ll be damned to hell for disturbing the peace. If you really can’t refrain from yelling “daddy!” while studying, get kinky with it and use a gag.
3.) McKinley Health Center:
A bunch of zitty freshmen waiting at McKinley with flushed faces are only there for one thing: free condoms. Nothing will make them scatter quite like you yelling “daddy!” in the middle of the waiting room. McKinley nurses are known for the obtrusive questions about pregnancy they ask their female patients, so if you yelled “daddy!” at McKinley, the nurses would surely think you were referring to your baby daddy, and rush to perform an emergency C-section on you.
2.) The Cemetery:
You know how the old adage goes: Never speak daddy of the dead. Also, there really are some certified daddies buried six feet under the manure fields by PAR, so you don’t want to wake the living dead or you’ll end up running from a pack of horny zombies. Is it really worth it?
1.) Outside of Chancellor Jones’ Window:
Will you please stop shrieking “daddy!” at the top of your lungs outside of Chancellor Jones’ window? He’s trying to get some shut-eye! How can he ignore the problem of Chief Illiniwek’s controversial presence on campus when he can’t even get a good night’s sleep! Also only the following people may call Chancellor Jones “daddy”: his wife, his children and most importantly, Lovie Smith.
We know you’re all riled up for Daddys Weekend, but please check the surrounding area before you howl “daddy” into the crisp, fall air like a lone wolf. You don’t want to startle anyone. However, there are also fortunate places to yell “daddy” on Dads Weekend, like at any bar ever.