The impending retirement of President Robert Easter has forced the UIUC Board of Directors to search for a replacement, just in case someone notices. The search was ongoing for several months in order to find a suitable candidate, but finally the long-awaited announcement from the chairman was published on Monday, electing the university’s most notable alum, Hugh Hefner, as the new president. At the tender age of 88, Hefner is older than the current president, yet the board is convinced that he will be able to serve a lengthy term over the next few decades.
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“From the long list of famous alumni, the board debated day and night over the best applicant,” said the board’s chairman. “Mr. Hefner stood out to us as an accomplished entrepreneur who could really benefit the university.”
The students appear to be the most excited of all. “What’s the difference between president and chancellor?” asked one confused senior. “I’m surprised he wanted the job at his age, but then again, he has the endurance of a 26-year-old.” Hefner makes few visits to the university and the hope is that he will relocate the Playboy operations office to Champaign. A rumor started that the iconic bunny logo might become the official school mascot and the “Playmate of the Year” will replace the Chief at sporting events for R-rated half-time shows. No school officials were able to confirm or deny the rumor.
“Personally, I would’ve voted for Mr. James John, the guy who founded Jimmy John’s,” said one Champaign native. “The Hef will probably do a good job, though.”