Unofficial is right around the corner and people you haven’t spoken to in two years are probably already hitting you up to come visit. You’ve been spammed with various “clever” Unofficial shirt designs and you’ve heard freshmen talking about Unofficial like it’s the goddamn Second Coming. This raises the question: does Unofficial truly live up to the hype?
Miss Westoff: Unofficial definitely does not live up to the hype. If I wanted to spend the day with a bunch of underage kids unable to handle their alcohol, I’d just crash a prom after party. Unofficial is just an excuse to show up to class drunk and then brag to all your friends about it to seem cool.
Original Pancake: A college student who drinks responsibly is rarer than the long-extinct Dodo. The time for daintily sipping wine is later; the time for icing out on the floor of your 8 a.m. ECON 102 lecture is now. Unofficial lives up to the hype, allowing students to drown their academic sorrows in sweet, sweet alcohol.
Miss Westoff: Well, showing up to class in your green t-shirt, shamrock stickers all over your face, and smelling like Tequila Sunrises isn’t going to win you any points with the professor. Besides, it’s possible to drown your academic sorrows in alcohol without having to puke up green food dye from the frat that decided to make their shitty beer the color of St. Patrick himself.
Original Pancake: Possible? Yes. Festive? No. Shitty and green as it may be, you’re forgetting that the beer is free (a wee Irish rhyme to help you remember.) ‘Tis the season to give thanks to frat boys who give us free alcohol and breakfast and probably expect something in return, but we just pretend they don’t.
Miss Westoff: The beer might be free, but the $300 drinking ticket sure isn’t. The cops are everywhere on Unofficial. There’s almost as many of them as there are awful ISU kids, and the fuzz isn’t going to believe your sob story about how you “only had one beer.” And god forbid they see you jay walking.
Original Pancake: I agree that recent over-policing and excessive amounts of ugly, ugly ISU kids is a turnoff, but here’s a gross Tumblr quote: “Strict parents create sneaky kids.” In the context of Unofficial, strict police create sneaky students. We can easily adapt by making our shindigs harder for the po-po and Redbirds to find. Unofficial is ~underground~.
Miss Westoff: Good point, Pancake. Unofficial should be underground. In fact, it should be buried so far deep in the ground no one can ever find it. No one wants to see your so not clever Instagram pictures captioned things like, “It might be Unofficial, but I officially love you guys :-).”
Original Pancake: I’m not going to argue with you that sorority girls who caption their Unofficial Insta pics with “It’s officially Unofficial! ;)” deserve to be pinched, but I am going to remind you that such painfully basic Instagram captions as “I Lov(i)e Illini Football!” exist on this campus year-round. Don’t let a couple of basics stop you from culturally appropriating the shit out of Unofficial weekend.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.