In typical fashion, Urbana residents of the trendier and slightly more dangerous half of the Champaign-Urbana twin cities have decided to take their finals before Finals Week.
Students living in Urbana like junior Milo Hopper who, not surprisingly at all, is majoring in art history, fear that taking finals with everyone else would be a dangerous form of conformity.
“It’s not even about getting to go home early, the monotony back in Naperville would literally kill me,” Hopper muttered behind an American Spirit. “We’re just trying to stand up to the system and tell them that we’re not going to be controlled by the racist, conservative finals schedule. If we do that, Monsanto wins and the Koch Brothers are going to keep pumping GMOs into our water supply.”
Shortly after a protest took place on the Quad, with hipsters chanting Communist labor chants from their hammocks, the university conceded to their demands. Hipster Final Day will now take place at the Oregon Street Espresso Royale at “whatever time feels right to you” this Saturday.
“The vibes are going to be so righteous,” said barista Samantha Todd, who prefers to go by her chosen name, Serendipity. “We’ll have a trio of flautists that only perform Neutral Milk Hotel songs and the fairest of fair trade coffee.”
Those who are interested in taking part in the event need to be able to prove that they only use their Instagram ironically and have read everything by David Foster Wallace.
Yeah, we’ve all got D.A.D.S., just maybe not the kind you were thinking of: