With Champaign bars opening early on Saturday mornings to allow UIUC students to begin binge drinking before noon, hipster residents of Urbana have decided to begin a tradition of their own.
“We’re starting our own version of Block,” commented Ziggy Sprucefield. “We’re just as much of students here as Greek life, and most these schmicks don’t even know who Immanuel Kant is!”
Starting this Saturday, Urbana hipsters will flock to the Espresso Royale on Daniel Street to commence the first “Hipster Block.”
“Instead of icing out Vodka Monsters and listening to the goddamn Chainsmokers,” explained Sprucefield. “We’ll be sipping chai tea lattes while Mozart plays in the background.”
Fencing will be placed around the patio on Daniel to mimic a beer garden at the coffee shop, cleverly coined “the herb garden.”
Since the Espresso Royale on Daniel Street opens at 7 a.m., Urbana hipsters will flood the shop at the crack of dawn to socialize and passive-aggressively judge one another.
“This is bullshit,” said angry econ professor, Dr. Phil Shmitz. “I go there every Saturday to get coffee and grade papers. Now I have to go to the Espresso down the street.”
When confronted why the Daniel Street location was chosen, the Urbana hipsters gave a clear and quick explanation.
“It’s the shittiest one on campus! The inside is sooo ugly,” reported caffeine-buzzed hipster Melissica Romania. “It’s perfect for hipster trash to comment on the modern art hung on the walls and judge all the drunk Greek students leaving KAM’s.”
Others gave reasons of trying to avoid engineering and business students at Grainger and BIF, as well as avoiding noisy sorority girls learning about colors and shapes in the UGL.
“Our budget is coming from a charity that fell through,” Romania went on. “We were raising money to compensate the students who never got to experience Second Story Pizza, but then they came back.
The Urbana Hipster Association (UHA) began the motion to provide Block for people who prefer wearing $2 flannels from Ragstock rather than throwback basketball jerseys.
“Yeah they’re paying us, but it’s not to rent out the shop,” explained Espresso employee Neal Jameson. “These idiots think you need to pay for ‘Block’ here, but we just used the money for maintenance and to buy a Wii for the breakroom. They come here to drink coffee all morning anyway.”
The UHA will also begin Espresso Happy Hours, where hipsters will drink half-off frappuccinos and dollar espresso shots.
“Oh yeah that new Block for those hipsters?” frat star Hugh Beckman commented. “I heard of it. Isn’t it at Illini Inn or something? I don’t really give a shit as long as I can still drink heavily in a geed-free environment.”
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.