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Voter Turnout Expected to Increase Dramatically With Polls Stationed in Red Lion

 

Politicos in the Champaign area are expecting a massive influx in voter turnout after Red Lion announced earlier this week that they intend to set up polling booths for the upcoming election.

On Tuesday November 8th, bar goers will have the opportunity to cast their ballots in the establishment’s beloved beer garden, which will also be host to a special Election Day Jäger Bar. Mikey Thomas, a sophomore majoring in Political Science, elaborated on his plans for the occasion.

“I’m planning on getting there bright and early so I can beat the Greeks who are having Voting Block,” Mikey noted. “As far as who I’ll be voting for, I’m planning on writing in Lovie Smith. Barack’s eight years as president were tight yo, but I think that Lovie soft smile of his would bring about world peace.”

Red Lion has already released their bar specials for Tuesday, which include $1 wells as well as new concoctions such as “The Wall of Tequila Shots” and “Aleppo Slammers.” While the bar has received some criticism for essentially promoting an Election Day booze fest, bar manager Wayne Richards stands by his decision.

“The reality is that people are going to drown out their frustration with this presidential election. We just figured we’d have the polls here so people don’t have to sneak flasks into the Federal Room of the Illini Union,” said Richards. “I think what we’re doing here is what’s really going to Make America Great Again!”

No, you can’t use shacking to justify being “technically homeless.”

 

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