So your mom bought you Block I tickets, and now you have to go to the games and watch the Fighting Illini get their brains beat in? Not to worry, because this is an amazing opportunity to attract the attention of a certain bald, soft smiling football coach. Here are 10 ways to get Lovie Smith’s attention at Block I.
10.) Hold Up a Hair Restoration Sign:
Lovie has everything he could ever want; except for hair. With his former player Brian Urlacher as the new face of RESTORE hair restoration, hope isn’t lost for Lovie. Attract his attention by holding up a hair restoration ad, and you just might put him on the track to hair regrowth. Regrowth, hey, that’s something he hasn’t done for Illini football.
9.) Wear a 2006 Chicago Bears NFC Champions Shirt: If you didn’t spend your childhood watching Lovie Smith look simultaneously worried and calm as he coached the Chicago Bears, are you even from the ‘burbs? When Lovie sees you sporting this iconic shirt, he will remember that he was once capable of victory, followed by the crushing defeat of Super Bowl XLI.
8.) Yell “Bring Back the Chief!”:
Nothing grinds Lovie’s gears quite like cultural appropriation, and he simply won’t stand for it. Legend has it that if you yell “Bring back the Chief!” at a game, Lovie Smith will personally run up into the stands and head-butt you.
7.) Kidnap His Grandson and Put Him on Your Shoulders:
Lovie Smith’s grandson is notoriously adorable and Lovie would do anything for him. What better way to get his attention and also arrested than to steal his grandson and put him on your shoulders so Lovie will see him from the field?
6.) Bring His Twin Brother, Hatey Smith:
Lovie Smith has a evil twin brother named Hatey Smith, who is the opposite of Lovie in in that he has a full head of hair, shows his teeth when he grins, and even coaches a winning football team. If you bring Hatey to Block I, Lovie will have no choice but to notice you.
5.) Create Lovie-Specific Card Stunts:
Block I is known for its intricate card stunts, and everyone watches them, even Lovie Smith. Get his attention by planning card stunts that say things like “We love you Lovie,” or even “Lovie is my Daddy,” if you’re feeling unwholesome.
4.) Hold A Boombox Over Your Head:
This worked in the movie Say Anything, so it should work for you. You can make this even more romantic by playing Lovie’s favorite song, which we imagine is either a Lionel Richie song or three minutes of white noise.
3.) Have Too Much School Spirit:
The Fighting Illini are bad enough that it would be suspicious to be overconfident about them. Attract Lovie’s attention and utter confusion by painting your entire body orange and blue, blowing a vuvuzela, and yelling about “winning.”
2.) Dress Up as a Furry:
We don’t know what Lovie’s stance is on furries or if he secretly is one himself, but it will definitely grab his attention. Lovie won’t be able to resist looking at the squirrel Furry in the stands, but his expression will remain blank.
1.) Hold Up a Sign That Says “Destroy the Patriarchy”:
A feminist icon, Lovie Smith has a passion for smashing the patriarchy. When you, a fellow feminist, hold up this sign, Lovie will beam with pride and let out a single “woo.”