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6 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Barn Dance by Loretta, the Chex Mix Lady

The leaves are starting to fall and everyone’s extra horny, which mean it’s officially barn dance szn at the University of Illinois. Sure, you can act like a sane human being at the Chex Mix Lady’s prize barn, or you can make an absolute belligerent ass out of yourself and have her personally escort you to the next bus home. Here are 6 surefire ways to get kicked out of barn dance by the Chex Mix Lady so you can rub shoulders with a real U of I celebrity.

6.) Steal her hearing aid batteries:
Stealing an elderly and wholesome woman’s hearing aid batteries? Now that’s just cruel. That’s why it’ll immediately get you dragged by your ear, slowly but surely, to the bus after being caught red-handed. Protest all you want, but Loretta can’t hear you and doesn’t give a shit, so this plan is flawless.

5.) Refuse her Chex Mix:
Do you want some of Loretta’s homemade Chex Mix she is so kindly offering you? Bet. That Chex Mix was store-bought with tender love and care, and Loretta slaved over a hot stove just to pass it out to ungrateful drunkards. Refuse to take a handful of Chex Mix from her basket, and gentle Loretta will go Super Saiyan on your ass.

4.) Fight her grandchildren:
Loretta cares about two things in this world: her Chex Mix and her grandchildren. And probably Pride & Prejudice on VHS. Butt heads with one of her grandchildren and protective Loretta will have no choice but to kick you onto the next bus home. Don’t fuck with her kin.

3.) Try to ride her peacocks:
Loretta’s prize peacocks and various other aviary species have free roam of Farm Lake. If you spot an exotic bird roaming around near the pond, lasso it with some rope you found in the barn. If you really want to get all “yeeeeeeeee-haw” about it, try to tame and ride the large fowl. Loretta will lasso you if you dare to domesticate her peacocks.

2.) Ice out in her golf cart:
If you’re lucky, Loretta just might let you go for a joyride in her golf cart if you keep it under 5 mph, of course. Loretta loves to ice out, but she hates when you ice out on her good golf cart upholstery! Ruin your neutral relationship with her by icing out a Vodka Red Bull or something equally colorful. Her blood-curdling scream will alert all five residents of the nearby town that something isn’t right.

1.) Hand out your own Chex Mix:
Loretta doesn’t like competition. She’s the sole Chex Mix disperser at barn dances, and she wants to keep it that way. Shatter her monopoly by bringing your own Chex Mix in your own wicker basket. It doesn’t matter if it’s store-bought — it’ll ruffle Loretta’s feathers either way. Not only will you be forcibly removed from barn dance, but you’ll be banned for life, and Loretta will live to dance on your grave.

Let’s face it: chances are good that you’re probably going to get kicked out of barn dance anyway for being a complete shit show. Why not go out with a bang? Ask for a photo op with an indignant Loretta while she escorts you to the loitering bus that won’t leave for another two hours.

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