Whether you and your hometown friends huddled up in a circle in your basement (since you’re the only one with a ping pong table), or you just want to cool down after a long shift at your summer lifeguarding job, at some point you had the novel idea of having a smoke sesh on your parents’ property. Here are some of the steps you took to ensure you didn’t get caught.
6.) Gathering supplies:
Brush the dust off of that tin lunch box that you sooo sneakily hid away under your mattress that holds your paraphernalia, and get the materials together. You can’t let the piercing sound of your bowl sliding and hitting the edges of the box set you back, no matter how close it comes to giving you away.
5.) Taking action:
The tables have turned, and now you’re in the side yard utilizing those bushes you used to hate when you were younger because your basketball got stuck in them, and you’d come back with scratches all over your arms and legs. Mrs. Anderson and her Yorkie don’t suspect a thing as they walk past your yard while you watch them through the leaves.
The first few hits settle in, and you start noticing just how pretty your mom’s peonies in the garden are. Then your mind switches to the koi pond in your next door neighbor’s backyard. Before you know it, you’re overthinking everything, and god dammit the deck needs to be re-stained.
3.) Covering your tracks:
Once the round is done, it’s time to deal with the aftermath. The “I got sprayed by a skunk” excuse stopped working in high school to cover up how loud you smell, so you know by now you need to Febreze the shit out of the basement, or take a lap around the cul-de-sac to drown out the smell and the passive aggressive comments from your siblings that ensue.
2.) Parental interaction:
No matter how hard you try to hide from your parents when you’re high as shit, they always find a way to have a seemingly endless conversation with you. Even though you think you’re doing a good job talking with your mom about your appointment to get your wisdom teeth out, it’s impossible to not think about how the glass of water in your hand you just filled up could spill any second.
1.) Transforming into a Chopped contestant:
The inevitable last stage of being high in the comfort of your childhood home is raiding the entirety of the kitchen. The five-star meal you just whipped up may only seem like a mere peanut butter and jelly sandwich with chips, but you see it as a gourmet dish with a fine peanut spread and fresh strawberry puree on multigrain toast served with potato crisps.
Living at your parents’ house this past summer taught you a lot about yourself, your skills, and how to apply them. You’ve mastered the essential sneaky smoke just in time for you to move out of Naperville, and into your campus apartment. The balcony will make things much more simple, but you’ll never forget the six stages of struggle.
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