Ghosting can be a painful process for both the ghoster and the ghostee. Here’s a few tips on how to ghost that UIUC freshman you matched with for a confidence boost this summer:
10.) Insist you transferred after the tragic loss of Cly’s and Firehaus:
Although this soon-to-be Illini won’t quite understand the loss we all feel after entrepreneur, Scott Cochrane, announced he would be closing two of Champaign’s beloved bars, it’s guaranteed to confuse them enough to keep them from wondering why you had to leave your blooming relationship behind. They’ll understand soon.
9.) Change all your Tinder photos to pictures of cars:
No self-respecting woman or man wants to pursue a relationship with someone who gets off on motor vehicles. Rather than go through the trouble of painfully ignoring every desperate message they send you, this enforces the idea that they were the one ghosting you for having absolutely no personality.
8.) Respond with ONLY gifs of Kanye West:
Not only will this show that you are uninterested to the point of physical discomfort, but it will allow you to avoid that painful explanation of why you must cut your summer fling short. After all, Kanye is very talented at avoiding questions that will make him look like an asshole. Thanks, Ye!
7.) Unmatch with absolutely no further explanation:
Yes, the easiest and most cowardly escape of them all. This will only come to bite you in the ass if they happen to sit next to you in that STATS 100 class you failed your freshman year. Good luck with that, idiot.
6.) Send tips on how to survive their first semester in Champaign:
Doing a good deed before sending your 17-year-old Tinder match on their way into the cold, cruel world, is a nicer way to let them down. It shows that you kind of care about their well-being, but would like to end all further communication until you die, which will inevitably happen first, since you’re a senior talking to a freshman.
5.) String them along until the day classes start:
Let’s be honest, you were only talking to your Tinder Match because you already went through everyone from your high school graduating class of 75 people. By ghosting them the day they start their first real day of college classes, they’ll be too distracted trying to find their way from Taft Van Doren to the English building to care if you suddenly disappeared.
4.) Suggest a tour of the Armory:
Sending an unsuspecting freshman into the never-ending maze that is the Armory will ensure that they get lost, inevitably losing all contact with the outside world. Now that they’re gone, you won’t have to deal with all their annoying questions about living in the dorms for the first time. Someone will find them eventually, right?
3.) Delete your Tinder:
You’re tired of matching with people who aren’t old enough to meet up with you at The Red Lion on a Monday night. Delete the app and pretend none of this embarrassment ever happened.
2.) Ignore them until they get the hint:
As the definition of ghosting states, it is “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.” What more do you need to do?
1.) Scare them away:
Not one person is equipped to handle a stage 5 clinger. Time to pull a How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and do some weird shit.
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