You’re stumbling home after an especially degenerate night at Lion when you realize that something’s missing from your life, and that something is pizza. You arrive at the infamous corner of First and Green and gaze upon the wonder and confusion that is Domino’s and Papa John’s, side-by-side. This week, our writers argue the age-old question: which drunk pizza place do you choose after spending way too long at Lion?
Original Pancake: Domino’s is not only a game for old people who live in Miami, but also the best place for cheap, drunk pizza this side of Champaign’s Boneyard Creek. They not only serve pizza, their signature Cinna Stix are amazing, and the vomit from too much drinking will taste like cinnamon, too! Call me pretentious, but I prefer my late night pizza to not taste like hot garbage.
Amber O’Brien: If Papa John’s is hot garbage, then call me a freakin’ dumpster. Not only is Papa John’s a perfect place for Champaign mamís to find their daddies, but their pizza is easily one of our nation’s most important national treasures. Papa John’s is patriotism.
Original Pancake: If Papa John’s is patriotism then I’m pulling a Colin Kaepernick and sitting my ass down for the National Anthem. Papa John is a fake Italian profiting off of poor college students and NASCAR races. Domino’s has buttery, flaky garlic-seasoned crust, while Papa John’s is just crusty.
Amber O’Brien: I’d rather be crusty than order a pizza from a place that publicly admitted that they suck. We should expect a little more confidence out of a pizza place, right? Also, Papa John’s is the official pizza of cross-faded UIUC frat boys… according to science. Boys like their pizza like they like their women: cheap, easy, and eaten past 2 a.m.
Original Pancake: Oh yeah because everyone knows that UIUC frat guys have extremely high standards. And before you say it, I know. Sorority girls love Papa John’s. Domino’s may be more of a geed pizza, but that just means it has a unique flavor and doesn’t taste like every other spray-tanned, Naperville blonde pizza on campus.
Amber O’Brien: There’s nothing wrong with a sorority girl pizza. Why should Papa John’s feel ashamed for looking hotter, paying for friends and tasting more delicious than every other pizza on campus? I’m sorry that Domino’s is jealous of Papa John’s, but they can’t help it that they’re top tier pizza and would totally Block at Lion.
Original Pancake: Is Papa John’s popular enough to get away with arriving at my apartment 2-3 hours late? When I’m passed out after a drunken hookup with Kyle from STATS 100, the pizza’s ice cold and I still have to tip? I don’t think so. I’d go as far to say Domino’s delivers freaky fast.
Amber O’Brien: Using Jimmy John’s official slogan to defend Domino’s is already embarrassing enough. But to slander Papa John’s good and wholesome name with false reports of outrageous delivery times is something that no decent College of Media journalism major can ignore. Papa John’s tells the truth with their delicious pizza recipe and orgasmic wings. Daddy’s home and his name is John.