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Will You Really End Up in the U of I Sorority That’s Meant for You?

Formal recruitment at UIUC is fast approaching, which means the campus will be filled with distressed, heel-clad freshmen running across campus. It also means that PNMs will be reassured at every house that “the process just, like, totally works itself out! It sounds crazy, but I promise you’ll end up in the house that’s the right fit for you.” This week, two of our writers argue over whether this promise is accurate or as fake as a top house girl’s spray tan.

Original Pancake: This promise is bullshit because it’s illogical, but I guess I wouldn’t expect sorority girls to take something like logic into account. There are 1,500 eager freshmen rushing 19 sororities, and somehow all of them are supposed to find their “forever home”? Just because girls in a given house all blow the same glitter (and frat stars) doesn’t mean they all get along.

Cait the Scammer: Why do you think those 1,500 freshmen are so eager to join a sorority? Because the bond you share with your sisters is unlike any other, of course! And after all, sorority recruitment has been refined over the years, as long as you can talk about what you liked about Quad Day and are maybe sporting a few Cartier love bracelets, you’ll find your home.

Original Pancake: Even if you do bond over Quad Day and your shared love for overpriced jewelry, how do you know you’ll have anything else in common? Even if you bond with Kristie, the self-proclaimed “super chill” girl who rushed you and shares your love for puppies, it doesn’t mean you’ll be besties. There’s a good chance girls you bonded with during rush will hype you up on Bid Day and then forget about your existence.

Cait the Scammer: How is it possible to not have anything in common with your sorority sisters? You hang out at the same frats, take shots of tequila at Red Lion together and you all definitely hate the same top houses, what else even matters?

Original Pancake: Nothing matters. But you can’t even mention things like R*d L**n or the time you took seven tequila shots and yakked on that hot Pike. It’s because you can’t talk about booze, bars or boys during formal recruitment, a.k.a. the three things sororities evolve around. If the rush process is based on avoiding the questions all PNMs secretly want the answers to, how can girls be honest with each other?

Cait the Scammer: Excuse me, sororities are about much more than booze, bars and boys. Don’t know know how important sororities values are to their members? Sure, they like to take the occasional ten tequila shots at Lion, but what are you expected to do when they’re only $1 each? Sorority members share a bond much deeper than this that includes sacred handshakes and mentioning “~sisterhood~” in all their Instagram captions.

Original Pancake: While Instagram is definitely an accurate representation of how every other college girl’s life is better than yours, what exactly is this ~sisterhood~? Sorority girls hate half their sisters but still claim to love them. That’s more like blood sisters, and you didn’t pay dues and get lightly hazed to feel like you’re in the backseat of a family road trip.

Cait the Scammer: Sorority sisterhood is better than biological sisterhood because not only does joining a sorority give you 50 new sisters to swoon over the newest Bachelor with, would you and your biological sister be able to bond over what guys your eskimo sisters with? Probably not.

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