It has been a tense semester for every student at UIUC. There have been disappointing sports teams, a terrible budget and a Presidential election that has all Illini yelling on every Quad. But with wintertime drawing near and the tumultuous semester out of the way, there are 6 things that Illini truly should be yelling about.
6.) ISU Getting a Portillo’s:
All UIUC students are either from the suburbs of Chicago, live with someone from the burbs or despise the suburbanites. As a result, no matter who you are, everyone at UIUC has a connection with someone from the suburbs, which means only one thing: Portillo’s! Everyone loves ‘Tillos, and there wasn’t nearly enough outrage and yelling last year when it was announced that crappy ISU would be getting a Portillo’s in Normal.
5.) Dryers that Don’t Dry in the Six Pack:
There are a lot of fun things to do in the laundry rooms in dorms, but there’s nothing more frustrating than when the dryers don’t actually dry students’ clothes. Just like your PSYC 100 TA’s only job is to show up to class, these dryers only have one duty, and they still can’t even do that. Grab your torches and march down Gregory Drive, Illini need to be yelling about faulty Six Pack dryers.
4.) Multiple Homework Websites:
It’s one of the mysteries of UIUC: why there are two websites – Compass2g and Moodle – that students use for their classes to use their homework? Few things are more annoying about UIUC than having to think about whether your class’ virtual home is on Compass or Learn.Illinois.edu. It’s obnoxious, and every Illini should be yelling.
3.) Alma Mater Not Being Green:
Alma has been back on campus for a few years after taking a spa day and having her green coating removed to become more of a shade of bronze. Alumni and current students are not in nearly enough outrage that the tradition of Alma looking ugly as shit has come to an end, as she now looks halfway decent. Bad!
2.) Other Campus Newspapers:
Being on a large Big Ten campus, there are surely going to be several options to get your news from. UIUC has The Black Sheep and the field (The Tab, The Daily Illini, The Odyssey, whatever those emails from University Housing are), and nothing clearly compares to TBS. Illini need to be yelling at their fellow classmates when they see them reading those inferior campus products.
1.) Quad Cones No Longer in the Union:
While there are a lot of messed up things about UIUC that students should be upset about, something that has really gone under the radar this year is the fact that Quad Cones – the ice cream stand inside the Union – was shut down and replaced with an Auntie Anne’s. Sure, everybody loves themselves some cinnamon pretzels instead of an ice cream cone in the dead of winter, but Quad Cones was an Illinois staple, and it’s absurd that it was closed.
Drop everything and as this semester comes to a close, make sure to go around the Quad yelling about things wrong with UIUC. And while you’re at it, go get yourself a pretzel and pour one out for Quad Cones.
You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?