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You’re Lion: Shitty Yelp! Reviews of Red Lion


Red Lion is that special place at UIUC where you’ll find Block, hot moms, and geeds all in the same place. However, according to some of its Yelp! reviews, not everybody is able to see the true beauty in the Red Lion.



Alex Short


Come on, Alex. Did you really expect to live in the trashy hipster central Illinois cities of Champaign and Urbana and have clean bars? And for real, who the fuck brings a baby to a bar? Well, there was that one Babies & Rabies exchange, but we’re pretty sure that was a one-time thing.


Alex Long


Another critical review of Red Lion by another person named Alex on Yelp!. Your efforts of reviewing all bars – in addition to restaurants – at UIUC is not going unnoticed, but you seemed to have written a novel on your hatred of Red Lion. Our favorite part of your review is when your ID was checked CSI style by two checkers; there’s nothing 19-year-old bouncers care about more than rejecting 18-year-olds from entering a run-down campus bar.




Happy belated birthday, Chloe! It’s a shame you were sober for so much of your evening that you remembered your time at Red Lion enough to write a review about it. Seriously, how lame do you have to be to show up to the bar not even a slight bit blitzed on your 21st birthday? By the way, “tramaticitizing” may be our new favorite made-up word, whatever it means.




Props for the Game of Thrones references here due to Red Lion’s medieval theme, KC. Going to agree to disagree, though, that Red Lion has an “appealing outer façade.” A sketchy warehouse with a Red Lion sign isn’t what we consider “appealing” in Champaign. By the way, tell your brother Tyrion that The Black Sheep sends their greetings when you get back home!




You seem like a real fun guy at parties, Ketib. Everyone’s biggest concern when they go to Red Lion is obviously typically who has wristbands and who doesn’t. Go back to those real fun bars where under aged peasants can’t get drinks and the bar staff knows exactly who has a wristband.




George isn’t really the kind of guy looking to take 19-year-old freshman back to his dorm in Taft-Van Doren. More for us then!




We think we can end a roast of Red Lion with this very well written Yelp! post by Lisa.


Red Lion may be “ewwwwwwwwww,” but it’s UIUC’s “ewwwwwwwww” and that’s what really matters. Now, go get back to Red Lion and its $5 cover!


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