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6 Non-Sexual Things About UIowa that Oddly Turn You On

The University of Iowa may have lost its standing as the number one party school, but we sure are the nation’s number one horny school. UI students are known for their ability to get turned on by anything and everything, and The Black Sheep thinks that is a beautiful thing. To honor this, here are five nonsexual things that turn you on at UI:

6.) When you realize you don’t have to walk up the big hill today:
It’s Friday and — wait. It’s Friday? It’s Friday! That means you don’t have that class in Macbride today, which means you don’t have to walk up the big hill to the Pentacrest, and boy oh boy does this get you hard. Every UI student knows the overwhelmingly sexual feeling that comes with placing your feet on solid ground and saying “No. I don’t have anything up the hill today. I’ll just stay here, thanks very much.” It’s practically orgasmic.

5.) Eating Oasis hummus in the library: 
Oh yeah, get smelly. UI students are known for getting all hot and bothered about Oasis hummus. The fact that it’s included in your Flex Meal package doesn’t hurt, either. There’s nothing quite as steamy as cracking open a big ol’ container of stinky hummus in the middle of the library, and just letting that shit permeate the air. You know everybody wants a sniff. Never mind that you’ll finish the pita bread before the hummus is even half gone; just eat the rest of it straight-up with a spoon. Trust us, it’s sexy.

4.) The general vibe of Phillips Hall:
Is this Iowa City or Paris? Every UI student knows the electric feeling of walking through those double doors and suddenly being surrounded by foreign languages and ice cold water fountains. You’ve gotta keep it together for class, but as soon as your Intermediate Portuguese lecture is over, you can let the absolutely sensual atmosphere of this academic building just wash over you. You’ll work up quite the sweat, partly because of this building’s oh-so-many stairs, but mostly because you’re just that turned on.

3.) When Burge serves all the good food for the prospective students:
Remember last week when all they put out for breakfast was stale Froot Loops and corn dogs? Well, not today, horn dogs. Today, high schoolers and their parents will come flooding through the Burge dining hall, filling up on ice cream, steak, and good pasta. You can bet you’ll be right behind them. This is one of the sexiest days of the semester for any UI student. The absolute eroticism of seeing every food station open for business is indescribable.

2.) Hammocks:
The University of Iowa is hot for hammocks. We certainly can’t blame you–there’s something so sexy about the ability to just relax anywhere. Randomly sleepy at 2 p.m.? Find a tree and get yourself set up! Having the option to nap on the go is one of the most sensual things imaginable. So go on–get all curled up on the Pentacrest. Maybe it’s the privacy that comes with their cocoon-like structure, or the fact that they probably confuse the shit out of squirrels, but hammocks are one of the hottest things you’ll see on this campus.

1.) Rusty the giant sloth:
We know that this giant, furry exhibit in the Museum of Natural History is the object of every single UI student’s deepest, most overwhelming fantasies. If this enormous ball of prehistoric love doesn’t get you going, we don’t know what will. There’s just something about his beady, never-blinking eyes that gives the University of Iowa a collective boner. Let’s hear it for Rusty, guys. And by “it”, we mean your most erotic moan.

Whether you’re into the arts, sports, Greek life, or drinking yourself into an early grave, all UI students can agree that there are some incredibly arousing things around this unassuming campus. So go forth, you Hawkeye horndogs, and revel in this tantalizing place we call home! Continue to find sexiness in the nonsexual, because let’s face it, none of us are actually getting laid anytime soon.

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