As graduation approaches, Iowa seniors are entering the job market, moving to different cities and cleaning out closets full of four years worth of free Hawkeye gear. From hundreds of free CAB cups to OnIowa! shirts three sizes too small, it’s time to purge the merch’. Here are 6 things to do with all that Hawkeye shit:
6.) Leave it on the doorstep of Iowa State Cyclone fans:
One last school spirit hoorah before you go back home to live with Mom! Tell those Cyclone fans that it’s never too late to transfer. Come to black and gold side, where the grass and river are always greener!
5.) Craft it into the coolest Hawkeye graduation robe of them all:
A quick YouTube tutorial on how to use a hot glue gun and boomshakalaka! You’ve got more Fight! Fight! Fight! For Iowa! than any other kid on campus. Hot glue a pair of those flimsy Hawkeye sunglasses to your hat, cover your robe in some Daum stickers, and plaster on a couple free Pomerantz Center flash drives all over your gown.
4.) Burn it, along with the thousands of pages you were forced to print out in the library:
The biggest “fuck you!” to every dumb professor who ordered you to print off the reading when you easily could save money just reading in online! Those late night treks to the library are finally paying off. Have one last kumbaya next to the Brain Rock with a giant bonfire. When you’re done burning all those papers, use this fire as a way to close the Hawkeye chapter of your life and keep the party going.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!
Penn State – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Bounty
NC State – $300 Bounty
3.) Sell it to dumb freshmen for a “reasonable” price:
Obviously they’re new around here, so why not pose as a cool salesman and shove your “It’s great to be a Hawkeye!” shirt to someone else for a good price. Stand at the beginning of the T. Anne Cleary Walkway by Burge and purposely sidestep them until you sell your wares. You’ll leave campus with enough money for a good night in Union.
2.) Give it out to potential employers as a bribe for them to hire you:
Nothing says “I’m a great worker” like some school spirit! Slide a Go Hawks! pencil across the desk with a sly wink and you’ll get a follow up interview instantly. Everyone loves the Hawkeyes so why not use it to your advantage?
1.) Make it into a sex blanket you keep in the back of your Prius:
Nothing says good sex like nice reminder of the good ol’ college years! . Prevent sexy stains on your back seat as you do the nasty in the Hawks Ridge parking lot.
With a clean closet and a clear mind, you’re ready to leave your Gilbert Street apartment and get your degree with the rest of those plucky Hawks. The day has come to flap your little hawk wings and become the adult that you’ve drunkenly learned to be!
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