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The 7 Hells of Wales, WI


Wales is a tiny little town in the middle of Wisconsin. If you were to sneeze going down 83 while you were driving, you might miss it. But this town is a little strange. It’s got some demons, some of them are sexy, but the majority are just old white republicans.

7.) The Exotic Plants store in Downtown Wales:

No one ever goes in, and no one ever comes out. That’s the best way to describe this store. It sits right next to the fireplace store and an abandoned warehouse. This part of Wales feels like Chernobyl. One day, a radioactive exotic venus fly trap is gonna eat the town, and nobody outside Wales will even notice it’s gone.

6.) The twin Kwik Trips:

No, these twins aren’t owned by Lord Walder Frey, they’re actually owned by two separate owners but hey, that’s just our capitalist competitive society. Everyone who lives in Wales knows that the one right next to Pick n’ Save is the real winner. Don’t even bother with the one next to Finn’s, they spit in your gasoline.

5.) The Walgreens where that wonderful cow farm used to be:

The lovely cow farm that used to be across from Pick N’ Save was destroyed to put in a Walgreens. A tragedy like no other, but forever in our hearts. Some say as you drive by, you can still hear the faint screams of Wales residents circa 2007 saying, “YOU CAN’T TAKE OUR FARM AWAY.”

4.) The Bed n’ Breakfast no one has ever seen anyone at:

It ominously peers through the trees when you drive past it. It resembles that of Citizen Kane‘s Xanadu. The tallest building in Wales and the spookiest. Sometimes, you can see a figure peering through the window. Most likely it’s the gardener, but you can’t be too sure.

3.) Mama D’s Coffee, the one thing Wales has to offer culturally:

Come for the coffee, stay for the coffee and tell the bikers parked outside to “fuck off”! It’s the most popular location to hang out and there’s almost always someone’s dad playing acoustic guitar on a makeshift stage. All in all, the environment of Mama D’s is quirky. Almost too quirky… There’s always something lurking in the next room like a ghost or a youth group meeting.

2.) LeDuc’s Frozen Custard:

It’s custard. Not ice cream, you bastard. And it’s the best damn custard you’ll find around, but you can only get it if you’re willing to swim through the sea of small children covered in melted ice cream and t-ball uniforms and parents looking blankly into the distance.

1.) The Legends Country Club and Golf:

Wow, look at those pasty thighs. A land filled with short shorts, wrinkles, and old men who have both. Yes, it’s a beautiful part of Wales, but don’t get caught too long in its splendor or you’ll get sucked into a visor and wear Polo shirts for the rest of eternity.

Wales is, in a word, splendid. The skyline is no bigger than a two story house, but don’t let that fool you into thinking it’s any lesser. After all, they do call it the Akron, OH of the midwest. That will either flatter you, or make you run for the hills. Either way, custard and exotic plants.

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